WRESTLE

WRESTLE

My pseudo reality

Always leading me towards fatality

What is it that I've been missing

Which devil have I been kissing

An affair, that made me stare

Wound, bound then drowned

Focusing on my complaint

Living life in restraint

Casting atrocity on my curiosity

Chopping off any velocity

So debilitating, I'm hating

My self-taught rating

But, still, I wrestle

With the question - Am I special?

"WHO AM I" I scream in anger!!!

Shouting at myself, the stranger

Truth was twisted at a young age

Keeping me from the stage

Seeding doubt, un-won bout

Living impotent - not stout

But a flicker I seize

Woke up by a gentle breeze

I notice my soul yearning

My heart burning

Now, instead, yank the cable

Throw myself onto the table

Pull out the scalpel and make the incision

Into my heart, it's time to release the vision

But, hand trembles in fear

So many questions, how will I stear?

Not wanting to Know

Denying that I know

Pleading to forget

Remember Nothing!!!

Forget It All!!

You'll fall

you'll fall

you'll Fall...

Knowing that I have what it takes

But fearing the stakes

I get caught up in this demonic affair

Scared, I stall and stop any care

"Who Am I", are you so rare?

Not many live out their hearts dare

The voice lingers

Pointing its fingers

Who are you to push through?

Not many do.

Why are you so special?

You won't win this wrestle

My message you've come to love

Apathy, I gift to you from above

So lay down in its familiar bed, and feel free

Here, you don't have to be

You can let out all the steam

Towards the desire of any dream

It's too painful to try

You're not the right guy

Make comfort your queen

Let fear be your King!!!

Return to what you know

Don't open that door - don't go!

First get your questions answered

You have to know, You have to know!!

Without a guarantee

You won't be able to act and plan accordingly

If you get into the game

Others will see - they'll think you're lame!

So, wrap yourself with this blanket of denial

After-all, it is your style...

BENT

Where to begin
It's no use, no win

My guts are here hanging out
And I can't put them back in now in this difficult bout

So I wander from here to there
And twist and burn with my pain

Wishing you were here to share
And my eyes tear up falling like rain

Time I guess it will take
But these feelings are just so hard to shake

I stay stuck in the yearning
And it's of myself I'm learning

That I'm scared too
But it just makes me want more of you

And I battle this anger
But understand the danger

So I bend my knees
To the only one who can please

And just tremble in His presence
Confessing my independence

At a loss
My life I would like to toss

But I know it was His son that was sent
So I stay..., Bent

Isaiah 58

Isaiah 58
True and False Worship
1 Shout with the voice of a trumpet blast.
Shout aloud! Dont be timid.
Tell my people Israel[a] of their sins!
2 Yet they act so pious!
They come to the Temple every day
and seem delighted to learn all about me.
They act like a righteous nation
that would never abandon the laws of its God.
They ask me to take action on their behalf,
pretending they want to be near me.
3 We have fasted before you! they say.
Why arent you impressed?
We have been very hard on ourselves,
and you dont even notice it!
I will tell you why! I respond.
Its because you are fasting to please yourselves.
Even while you fast,
you keep oppressing your workers.
4 What good is fasting
when you keep on fighting and quarreling?
This kind of fasting
will never get you anywhere with me.
5 You humble yourselves
by going through the motions of penance,
bowing your heads
like reeds bending in the wind.
You dress in burlap
and cover yourselves with ashes.
Is this what you call fasting?
Do you really think this will please the Lord?

6 No, this is the kind of fasting I want:
Free those who are wrongly imprisoned;
lighten the burden of those who work for you.
Let the oppressed go free,
and remove the chains that bind people.
7 Share your food with the hungry,
and give shelter to the homeless.
Give clothes to those who need them,
and do not hide from relatives who need your help.

8 Then your salvation will come like the dawn,
and your wounds will quickly heal.
Your godliness will lead you forward,
and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind.
9 Then when you call, the Lord will answer.
Yes, I am here, he will quickly reply.

Remove the heavy yoke of oppression.
Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors!
10 Feed the hungry,
and help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
11 The Lord will guide you continually,
giving you water when you are dry
and restoring your strength.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like an ever-flowing spring.
12 Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities.
Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls
and a restorer of homes.

13 Keep the Sabbath day holy.
Dont pursue your own interests on that day,
but enjoy the Sabbath
and speak of it with delight as the Lords holy day.
Honor the Sabbath in everything you do on that day,
and dont follow your own desires or talk idly.
14 Then the Lord will be your delight.
I will give you great honor
and satisfy you with the inheritance I promised to your ancestor Jacob.
I, the Lord, have spoken!

Waiting...

It very well could be the easiest and yet, hardest thing to do.

Love will always stay
Somewhere in your heart
And hope will never fade
Though at times it will be hard
But lift your head anyway
God's Son is returning
He's bringing brighter days

(chorus)
So wait for the sun to come out again
Storms always come but they blow away with the wind
So wait for the Son is coming again
Winds of trial blow hard
So we've got to hang on
Hang on to Him

Where's the joy you've known
It seems you can't remember
All the fire in your life
Has turned to cold december
But lift your head anyhow
He's won greater battles before
What makes you think He won't fight now?

(chorus 2x)

Let the sun shine
Let the sun shine in
The sun shine in (6x)

Missing...

Watch on youtube

I spent my life
Learning to survive
Walked down these roads
Hoping each one might lead me home

I learned early on
That trust can come undone
And leave your heart
Guarding it's deepest part

But you got in through the marrow and bone
Shed some light where none had shone

I lost i found
I was missing love missing love
I fought to stand my ground
I was missing love oh missing love

Can you teach me
To live as one who's free
From fear and from shame
And the lie that i'll never change

Help me to see myself through a lovers eyes
No more mask no disguise

I lost i found
I was missing love missing love
I fought to stand my ground
I was missing love oh missing love

You found me and made me whole again
My Savior my Friend

I lost i found
I was missing love missing love
I fought to stand my ground
I was missing love oh missing love

A Good Song...

Enjoy...

Watch on youtube

These tears

These tears pool
and wait at the bottom of my eyes

Each blink releases another drop
Down my cheek it travels each carving out a new path.

I could say I don't want them, but with them you are near.
I could say they're not needed, but without them what would I truly be longing for?

These tears are glue
These tears they mend
These tears they get me past my fears

Who knows what it will be like in the end
But on memories of these tears I will depend.

Any Answer Given...

A poem for the day
Hope I just don't push this out of the way

Green to brown, face to frown
Stuck in questions, not wanting suggestions

I seek to know
And yet, have a lack of desire to grow

Cars go by behind the drapes
Little lumps, these moving shapes

People racing to their next stop
Until that day where each of us will drop

In between, do they struggle with the same thing
And wrestle with their hearts ping

Here, in America, it's go go go
So busy, do we ever stop to seek and know

Stuck in the questions, only asking why
Some answers come, but yet, do we ever try

Afraid probably, what would truth in that answer mean
I like my life, I only want these answers to remove the strife

So, suppress I choose
Then, I don't have to lose

And any answer given where I must give in
Is one I can't stand

Because it's my life and I
want to play out this hand...

The Ghetto Shower Saga...

For over a year I've been meaning to replace my bathtub faucet. The diverter valve was stuck in the "up" position which meant that the tub/shower was only being used as a shower.

Cam has been asking for baths lately and so last night I got the brilliant idea to swap out the faucet for a new one. I've had a new faucet on hand for the longest time, but just never made time to swap it out. For some reason, I now think I subconsciously knew what might happen.

To remove the old faucet I remembered those long passed down rules of life: lefty loosey | righty tighty. As I was rotating the faucet to the left it did rotate... but it quickly felt bad. My suspicions were correct when the faucet snapped off. Rats! Suck!


So, I had to cut out a hole into the surround which let me get back to the elbow. I went to my local Home Depot this morning after dropping Cam off at daycare. I bought the necessary components as far as I could tell.

I got home and was able to solder on the new copper elbow joint and faucet. I'm very thankful that I didn't burn my house down as I was soldering very close to a stud in the wall. Luckily, I had some old tin trays that I cut up and tacked to the stud to give it some protection.

And wallah... the new faucet.

So... here's a lesson for you. In retrospect, I think a shot of WD-40 or maybe even a vinegar bath could have been helpful before trying to take the old faucet off.


Now, to find a piece of plastic to cover the hole...

Clamour...

Loneliness shades what I can see

I don't want to relinquish, I don't want to be.

Why can't life work like I want it to?

Battered and torn by a life lived upon my own strength

Jeez...

to give it all up... to surrender what I hold dear

That one main thing.. that thing I call fear

But I clamour for it.. I want it so much

To grasp and to hold what I think I want.

Yet I embolize and I chastatize others...

What a jerk...

Shut up... can't you see... you like all else...
So imperfectly be...

You need Him too although you think you don't.

Just shut up... just shut up.

Thinking too much of what others do...
It's time to focus on you...

Stinger, And

Stinger stuck in the finger
Peering inside is a road not taken
How much more will it linger
And how much longer, your walls unshaken

With the need to atone
Feeding one for self protection
But in this life so alone
Leading you to constant re-direction

How I long for you to be free
Shot off into a glorious sunrise
Cast off anew on a shimmering sea
And to know the true prize

Oh how freeing is The Truth
How empty is our own meaning
He will give you reason to sink your tooth
And set your feet on solid ground, gleaming

Lemon Zest

Lemon zest up in the chest
Where I can feel your breast

Behind it beating swift
Your heart still so adrift

Lost on the stormy sea
Captivated endlessly

Focus not one taken too long
Again it will soon be gone

Thinking new ones, thoughts are placed on the scenery
Contemplating the other sides greenery

Your grass, it seems, has turned brown
It takes two to water and keep the crown

Even He had to learn
to live obediently

What does that mean
in a world so strewn about autonomously?

So what does this entail
for you and me?

Love's driving us home
so patiently

Cold Cold Heart...

Frustration and anger are her weapons
Threaded together with a tongue of lies.

Not accountable to anyone, not even herself

Destruction are her breadcrumbs, trailing
up to her shallow and empty life.

Fuel is her appetite for more, she can't
stop, needs to play the whore.

Her cold cold heart beats like fingers
wrapping on stone, she must keep going never to atone.

A remedy to this I do not know, no human
power can be in His stead

A miracle for today
would be this life set un-astray

Jesus, warm her heart, show us
your part.

For I know no other miracle you could do,
except to change this life so foreign to You.

Purpose Revealed...

Recently, I kept having this memory pop up of my younger years. My family and I were still living in California at the time and I was young. In fact, I think I was about Cam’s age currently – 4.5 years old.


Anyway, it was a Saturday or something and my dad was the only parent home. He had put me down for a nap, but I really was not that tired and certainly did not want to take a nap. After laying in bed for what I thought was a good few minutes I had the bright idea to get up and walk out to where my dad was sitting watching TV or something and act like I had just gotten up.

The memory has been etched into my mind. As I turned the corner to enter the room my dad was in, utilizing my best acting skills, I gave a big yawn, like I had just gotten up. My dad, however, did not fall for it, he took one look at me and was enraged. In fact, I remember it being more like an instant reaction; He didn’t even seem to think about it. He shot out of his chair in a full on house sprint, chasing me down the hall. And when I was cornered, with no room left to run, he caught me and delivered a huge spanking right from his hand. No words. No sentences. No explanation. No direction. Just... pain.

Most of this memory is a blur. The main thing I remember is my father being so angry and me being so surprised at his action/re-action. I remember being scared. I remember being alone like something was not right, but not being able to do anything about it. I was completely powerless. I was left to answer my own question. Supposedly, a young, 4.5 year old little boy who somehow messed up and deserved to be spanked, but did not know why.

So, fast forward to now. This memory kept coming up and just wouldn’t leave me. I wondered why and I wondered how I was going to get through it. I mean, I say I’ve forgiven my dad for my father wound, but this… this felt different.

Recently, I think I may have been given a glimpse to an answer. A couple weeks ago it was Saturday and I was putting Cam down for a nap. Cam usually takes good naps, but sometimes gets up from them. On this day I think he had gotten up one once already. Then, it happened.

Almost exactly as I remember it for myself, Cam came out of his room. As he entered the room I was in, the telltale signs of faking sleepiness were on him. And then he said in his best after nap happy voice “Hi, daddy!”

And at that moment, fast like lightning but subtle and calming like a gentle breeze, it hit me. I remembered... I smiled...

I walked over and gently picked him up in my arms and held him tight. I whispered into his ear that I loved him, but that he needed to take a rest. I walked him back to his room and laid him into bed.

I made… what once was wrong... right.

He didn’t get up again. He went to sleep peacefully knowing that his dad loved him. He wasn’t scared or alone and our relationship was still strong after he woke up. He still had the happy “Hi daddy!” after he got up.

Thank you God for purpose behind pain. With the same set of circumstances, I could've acted like my dad did. I could’ve treated Cam like my father treated me.

So thank you God for chances to turn corners and set lives in new and crazy directions, for the power of a life raised without unnecessary fear, could lead to great things…

-J

Evolution: It All Aint What It Seems...

Look through the eyes as opposed to with...

No Sex?

This question has trailed my mind and spirit lately. It would seem an easy question to answer, speaking for myself, based on Christian values of which I subscribe to. However, the obvious fact that in America we are pounded by sex daily in the media makes this difficult even for the Christian to answer; Difficult for me to answer.


This is the one area where I see Christians calling other Christians who call for purity before marriage antiquated. Even if it is not stated verbally it is still professed through action and the idea that we are not accountable to others in this area of our lives.


Saturated and diluted... the more I think about it the more I think sex has become that. Saturation, it would seem, has the possibility to dilute. And in our sex saturated culture we seemed to have diluted something about it or twisted it into something else like a game of scoring… like an adventure to be had for a weekend, but not what it was meant to be.


The truth is… I’m sad tonight. My eyes well up and I cry, because of the disgusted way I’ve twisted this beautiful tool that God has given me and us. I’m sad; because I worry that I might not view sex and may not experience it how it was intended. I know God is a redeemer – he has redeemed me in so many ways within these last few months, but I also know that there are consequences and that my life can still be stained by sin even though I’ve been forgiven of it.


I think it is only within marriage that one can experience real sex. I think only when I am sure of the other person’s commitment and only when the other person is fully secure in my commitment towards her will we both be free enough to experience the full spectrum of sex by giving freely of ourselves to each other knowing that the other desires it and accepts it.


More so, I don’t think authentic sex can happen without two people who know without a doubt that they are for each other wrapped up in reverence to God, weaving their lives together, both humble and accountable to Him… and God may have known that a dynamic like that would not be found unless it was bound by a promise.


In a sense, the measure to which someone is humble towards God can show how committed they might be in a relationship, because humbleness will also bring with it conviction. Conviction then positions the man or woman against themselves faced with a decision. Do they change and humbly go God’s way even though they don’t understand it; Even though the pain to deny thyself is great? Will they try to rationalize what this may be so it’s OK, and just claim a lifetime supply of Grace and be done with it? Or will she/he leave the situation all together and slowly but surely separate from God… or form a twisted post-modern view of God that pictures Him wanting everything and anything that makes them happy – even on moral matters?


So, what is going on in our culture? What is going on within our churches? Why does this abstaining from sex only seem to last until after high school for those that grow up in a church? Do we see this as necessary or optional? Do we see any change God places on our hearts these days as necessary or optional? Will I be able to abstain and not have sex before marriage?


Amy Orr-Ewing has written a good article that I Christ-magically found tonight. If there is any reason to abstain from sex it is because of how wonderful it is.


Because of the beauty of sex; That is, because of the intimacy, tenderness, and openness of it, that is why it was designed by God only for a loving, committed marriage, a covenant, strong enough that only death can break. I like what Amy writes – “In this way, the question of how sex outside marriage could be wrong can be approached by looking at the beauty, intimacy and preciousness of sex (Orr-Ewing, 2006).“


And lately I find that by turning from looking at my dark towards gazing at God’s beauty it frees me from needing answers and provides me the patience I need for those answers to come in time. To posture my heart, mind, and soul into humble worship towards an ever loving and beautiful God and wrapping myself up in that mystery… there not knowing all the answers, I know this... I want to know Him more and more.



My prayer now is to be capable of discerning where I am not in alignment with Gods beauty, then humbly accept His truth and grieve the loss and pain that comes from denying myself... I think it is the flesh that dies and Christ to flourish through that starvation leaving more in me.

Reference
Orr-Ewing, A. (2006). "What's Wrong with Sex Before Marriage?". Retrieved September 26, 2007, from http://www.bethinking.org/resource.php?ID=281

Art "nailed" taken from - http://sex-magic.home.comcast.net/nail.htm

Mozy On Up!

Hey All,

Just a quick note today to tell you about this great new free service that I registered for.

It's called Mozy. It's an online backup service that will auto-magically backup your important files to its servers. You can configure the files it backs up and schedule it to run only when you are not using your internet connection.

The free service gives you 2 gig's initially. They will give you another 1 gig per every 4 people that sign up & backup. I don't know about you, but even being a systems administrator I slack-off on system backups at times. Mozy makes it easy and great.

Click here to sign up and give me credit. If you would rather just go to the site mozy.com and sign up my referral code it is PK92WI.

If you are worried about security the service installation includes a 400 bit encryption thingy that is pretty good. Oh, it's good for Mac's & PC's.

Can you say... woot-woot.

Once you sign up you can put your own link on your blog and have your friends use it to earn more data space. 2 gigs is a good starting size that should be enough for all your critical documents.

Let's Mozy!

- Justin

When Temptation Comes

When temptation comes, it seizes my mind and takes it on a walk down a street I said before I did not want to go.

With Temptation, hand in hand walking, I turn; looking back on Christ’s glow and the spiritual inner essence of his presence and beauty, the glow starts to fade... dimmer... yet dimmer still.

Then, my head comes back around; I realize that temptation has walked me up to its open and welcoming door.

Voices start moving through my head. First, the Spirit, a silent whisper, "You probably shouldn't be doing this, you can stop this you know. My beauty is better than this.” Then the Flesh, "There is no adrenaline rush, no excitement, no pleasure like this back there. This, right here right now, is what you really want to be doing. You never really understood the whole cake and eat it thing anyway. Why can't you have your cake and eat it too? After all, you have grace right? You can ask for forgiveness afterwards right? So then why not indulge and lean on that later?"

I know the Spirit is right; I have agreed with it in so many other forums before. However, now..., at this point, without praising voices warming over me I am tested. My choice is made by the silence I keep. I Yield to one by dismissing the other: The Spirit's whisper trails off into the back of my mind as I let the Flesh take over.

With one foot already in the air, my body moves through that threshold. Nevertheless, it is not a doorway that my whole self can walk through. No, I must bow. I bow so that I can fit through this door. Still, it is not an easy fit. Something in me is mangled while I contort myself; make myself smaller to crawl through this threshold.

The Spirit cannot fit through that door. The Spirit will not go with me. Moreover, I am left on the other side clinging to that which I thought would give me such pleasure, such joy. However, the pleasure is only sustained as long as the action is sustained and the mind captivated, and the pleasures on that side of temptations door cannot be sustained for very long. They are like cheap fast food and throw away lottery tickets. Gone... in a moment.

If I am lucky, I turn back, search for the doorway I entered through, and realize now how dark temptations room is. A warm bright light is on the other side. I start to crawl towards that light. I am met at the door by the one called the Accuser. The liar of all liars stands by waiting like a bouncer at a club. I can see his gaze as I start to approach. That stare in his eyes forces me to look away. "You don't think you're going through here do you? You have been through this door already before only to return. Why not just stay here? This is where you belong. Sure, pray for forgiveness but stay right here. Even so, you have prayed that prayer before - you know Christ has forgiven you already; do you really need to ask again? You ask so much why do you cheapen His grace? Maybe it is better for you not to ask and not to use His grace this time. Maybe it's good for you to just think on this for awhile and not make a decision now."

This placidness has rotten me to the bone. Tears pool at the bottom of my eyes. Truth shoots through me like a jolt and shocks me out of my slumber. Out of my mouth at the top of my lungs, I yell "Be Gone…, Away from me!" I cry out. "This isn't the way to live it is the way to die!" The accuser leaves for he cannot stand the truth that there is one better than he is. The doorway now unguarded, light shining as a warm blanket welcomes me as I crawl through it. On my knees already, I cry out to The One. "Save me Lord, save me from this wretched cursed flesh. Save me from this pattern of life to death to life to death keeping me immature in spirit."

I hear three words back at me:

Humility
Spirituality
Faithfulness

Originally heard by Ravi Zacharias, they are more pungent now. For it is by humility that I tell the flesh it does not have what I want. It is through the spirit I live so I do not gratify the desires of the flesh and it is by faithfulness that I believe, even through the pain of denying myself pleasure, Jesus is the only way to life.

Scratch That...

So, I've decided that match.com is not right for me now.

What happened was really surprising to me actually. I got a wink from a legitimate person that seemed OK to go out with. However, internally, I freaked out. I couldn't imagine actually going on a date right now.

Part of me feels like "What's the point." and another part just feels like adding more stuff to my life right now just isn't the answer.

Recently, I started school up again and work is picking up to be busier and busier. I wish it was easier for me to do this, but I really think I should just focus on Cam, work, school, and keeping the house maintained right now. I definitely don't have the money for any type of date that involves spending more than $10. Therefore, I guess I don't have the time for women.

And that, for me, is a difficult thing to say... or live by rather. Yeah, my profile on match has been taken down, but that still leaves me open to the next vixen that crosses my path who I take an interest in. Look, new person, extra shiny. Guy juices want me to pay attention to the new shiny, but when I'm not thinking with guy juices my wish is to stay focused and not worry about that right now.

Hopefully I can come to some resolve on this some time or other.

Strike A....Match!

Check It Out....

My Match.com Profile.

Let Me know what you think!!!

OVER...

Finally. It's over with today. I'm officially divorced.

Wow, that took a long time.

What I Learned - Memorial Day Weekend 2007

This weekend I found that in a kid, in my son, in that small period of time with him, that time of joy is worth all the pain this world has to offer.

So Here's to joy, here's to hope, and here's to... the elation that comes from things coming to a close. Here's to the beauty of real love and the value that comes from focusing on what matters most. But truly, here's to a great God!

It Through A Waterfall…

I could take matters into my own hands. I could try to stave off the boredom through what I want to do. I could jerk off or I could drink, but that only will bring me loneliness and emptiness in the end. I could just be lazy and not do anything, but I feel like such a waste later and wish I had that time back. It is at times like these that I really can reflect and agree with the fact that Jesus is the only way out. That there are grabs in life that I can make to find my cure for whatever I’m feeling now, but those grabs don’t end up lasting long. They actually put me in a constant state of grabbing for the next desire or salve that it becomes a pattern.

Jesus, on the other hand, wants to give me these things that my heart truly needs. With these gifts come peace and affirmation that He loves me. They are lasting gifts that stay the test of time. I don’t think I’ve felt guilty for anything that God has ever given me. However, often times, with me, it’s hard to weed out what I have given myself and what God has truly given me.

I’m lead to ask the question – why is it that I don’t seek out God’s gifts more? Why do I take matters into my own hands and make grabs for what I think I need, but know won’t last? I think that with God it usually involves something counter-intuitive. Rather, it seems counter-intuitive at first. It’s like walking through a waterfall. It always employs a step of faith through something scary to return something good in the end. The gifts He wants to give us are on the other side of the waterfall. It’s realizing this and making the decision to walk through these waterfalls that we find peace. Crazy I know. Peace comes through courage and action.

But I have come to realize that all my grabs for peace, for the things that I think will bring me comfort come with an expiration date, and to give those up and accept God’s timeline is something like a waterfall to me. Will I go through? Will I find what’s on the other side? The thinking side of me agrees 100% with this, but the other side of me doesn’t want to. I don’t want to give up control for what I think will bring me comfort. And hey, IT DOES BRING ME COMFORT! And, like I said before, that comfort lasts only a short time. Then, I’m back in search for the next thing I think I need while all along missing what God is offering; avoiding the walk through the waterfall.

Today, I’ve decided to walk through something of a waterfall. I could sit here on my couch and watch the cars go by while drinking coffee, taking naps and watching some TV, but I’m going to work on the yard. I’m going to try and find that peace that God wants to give through a good days work. It’s a tough decision for me, because I usually talk myself out of doing things like this. I have this negative pattern in my head that keeps telling me that work, in the end, will add up to nothing. I think more and more that’s a lie, but it’s hard to get the lazy side of my brain to agree. Whilst my fortitude hangs in the balance I must end this post and get on to getting on.

Random Thoughts Typing...

death dormant doer

away gone long

so may you see

intention not merely

about me

bigger something still

maybe can be true

when all is not lost

and everything hangs in the blaance

when we see the ultimate purpose

life giving breath

new joy special

amazement endowed new sense

becoming something for someone

something more can be

true happening to me?

what no go?

truly live it for you?

what about that other thing?

tired of being

just be

I Want it! I Need it!

Today I had a thought. It was a quite simple thought, I realized, but oh how sometimes the simple things are what escapes me so much, but, yet, are so beneficial. Lately, I've been burdened with a lot of anxiety about a certain area of my life. It's been manageable at times and it's been pretty frustrating and draining as well.

What I realized though was that whenever I want something... whenever I may think I need something I get anxious when I don't see myself attaining this 'thing'. And now that I think about this more I wonder if this is what makes me rush into things too quick. I mean the more I work towards something, a personal goal or relationship I will be more invested and want it even more. Which means if I work so hard to attain this and invest myself so much into something I will be crushed if, in the end, I don't get it. Therefore, I may latch on too quickly. I also may give up too quickly on a personal goal. Yes, I may even procrastinate.

One thing that helps is learning to free myself from these things that I think I want. To do this I usually can't just say that it doesn't matter. I need to refocus on what does matter. Lately, I've been trying to refocus on God. I've been trying to understand that, as Larry Crabb has said in his book Inside Out, our critical needs are met through God.
However, I think there is also situations that I need to learn to be patient and not rush things and wait. A beautiful excerpt on waiting from "The Journey of Desire" By John Eldredge helps when it states:

To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment, the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest. St. John of the Cross lamented that “the desires weary and fatigue the soul; for they are like restless and discontented children, who are ever demanding this or that from their mother, and are never contented.” Detachment is coming to the place where those demanding children are at peace. As King David said, “I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me” (Ps. 131:2). Such a beautiful picture, a young one leaning against her mother’s breast. There is no fussing, no insistent tears.

She has learned to wait. The word detachment might evoke wrong impressions. It is not a cold and indifferent attitude; not at all. May writes, “An authentic spiritual understanding of detachment devalues neither desire nor the objects of desire.” Instead, it “aims at correcting one’s own anxious grasping in order to free oneself for committed relationship to God.”

As Thomas à Kempis declared, “Wait a little while, O my soul, wait for the divine promise, and thou shalt have abundance of all good things in heaven.” In this posture we discover that, indeed, we are expanded by longing. Something grows in us, a capacity if you will, for life and love and God. I think of Romans 8:24–25: “That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy” (The Message). There is actually a sweet pain in longing, if we will let it draw our hearts homeward.
(The Journey of Desire , 185–87)

And that's where I think I'm at now. The Next time I find myself rushing into things I will try to discern why I'm rushing and then slow down. Next time I'm anxious I will try and identify what want or supposed need is wrestling with my soul and refocus back to what matters. Then, my heart will find a nice pillow of peace to rest upon.

The Pain of Waffles...

Today I noticed Cam's hands were getting seriously red and chaffed when I picked him up from school. After his bath tonight I wanted to lotion him down really good before he went to bed.

We had the most hilarious conversation. Read for yourself.

Me: "Look at your hands. That's some seriously dried skin. What does it look like to you?"

Cam: "Boo-Boo..."

Me: "Yeah, it does look like a boo-boo. Does it hurt?"

Cam: "Yeah"

Me: "What does it feel like?"
Cam: "Waffles."

Me: "Waffles?!?"
Cam: "Yeah..." [giggles]

Lotion to the Rescue:

Your Kiss Only Band-Aid's My Deeper Desire...

Deeper. It's deeper. This desire. This desire of what I want in life. I want to swim in the stream. I want to be as one making life better for all that I encounter. I want to be a beacon of love amongst a world of self-centered chattering. I want to say 'Fuck You' to those that say things can't change... things won't change. But then I'm back on the gamut realizing that saying Fuck You to anybody doesn't really convey love and in that realizing that love means everything. Absorbing the punches. Which is the true strength of love. I wanted to write that I understood love, but I don't think I'll ever be able to understand it. Love seeks the better of the other. It does not compete. It fights, but it does not compete. Oh, how I want to fight. It fights for what's bigger than the self. It fights for what's true and it fights for what is best.

Simplicity with Honesty. Can I have that? What else? True life? It seems so distant now. I best should just crawl under the blanket of voices that meet me where I'm at. Ray LaMontagne... where you at? John Mayer... I''m there with you and my man... Dave.

"You will shelter me... my love. And I... I will shelter you..."

"Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like a one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees"

"But my faith has got me bound to your grey blue eyes "

Beauty... us guys cannot escape it. We are drawn to it. Captivated by it. It draws something out of us. It makes us want to be better. It makes us stumble and make a fool out of ourselves. The crown of creation is a woman. But will the crown quench my deeper desire...

Pounding Triangles Into Squares?

Am I trying to create something? Manufacture it? Should I even foster the creation of a relationship? Should I push it along or should I just let something happen? What does letting something happen even look like really? Am I not supposed to take the bull by the horns and charge ahead rapidly?

I guess the main concern is that I would try to pound a triangle block into a hole fit for a square. Have I been doing that my whole life? Is that why certain relationships fail? Do we try to pound triangles into squares? Will there ever be a perfect fit or just the closest match?

Some advice that I was given recently and a critique on me has been that, in relationships, I just want to know if things will work so soon that I sometimes come across as too persistent to know the other person too quick. I guess that would be by asking too many questions too soon and just not letting things happen naturally. Maybe I do do that, but is it a bad thing? I mean why wouldn't somebody want to know as much as they could know to see if there's any reason to pursue anything more?

Relational bonding can happen even if there are not that many commonalities with the other person, and one of the main relational glues is time spent with one another. So, why invest that time... why do that if you can find out sooner rather than later if things are going to work out? The only reason why you wouldn't do that is because you can't. Even though you think you may know what you need to know, you have your bulleted list of qualities the other person should meet, there is still so much that you don't know that needs to come with time and time spent together... walking together, talking together, sharing casually, learning, discovering, caring, and eventually loving.

I think in our saturated material world we get confused on the most precious gifts that are unseen such as these things I just listed. Make no mistake they are gifts and mature gifts are bestowed upon one another when a certain level of trust has been established, and trust takes time. A willingness to trust too soon is unhealthy. Of course each person has a certain level of depth that he or she is comfortable with, but in giving yourself to the other person quickly you are stating that your own personal gifts are not that valuable. They must be earned by the other over time. Microwaved relationships can flare up and be the most exciting thing that has ever happened, but it also gets cool quickly and really doesn't taste as good as something cooked in the oven. The oven is always better than the microwave, but we may think we don't have the time for the long and slower process (I'm not even going to get into the GE 3 type of heat oven that can cook a turkey in 20 minutes... freaking G.E. - my analogy would've been flawless if it weren't for them).

Questions need to be answered through the hallways of life. How does the other person handle it when your sad? What unknown expectations are being placed on you? How do we treat each other in a fight? Is this person kind... no matter what? Do they bring you up or bring you down? Can you handle each other's faults? Is the man really a man or is he just an older boy?

Try as we might, that kind of knowledge will not come unless it is tested by the seas of life. Then you may know if you are trying to pound triangles into holes fit for squares.

Check Out Some New Cam Pics!

Merry Belated Christmas from Cammy Claus!

Riding the Bus... Check out the sweet Band-aid!

My tower rocks your socks!

Check me out writing my name!

Hugs for all!

I love playing with all my friends...

Hey Partner... How bout you take a look at these...

Yeah but, you should see the other guy...

Oh No, You caught me trying to take over the world...

Say... cheese!


Hangover's at 3? Dad, what did you put in my cup?!?



But I thought I got MY WAY all the time!


What do you think dad? Will this help with the chicks?



Ah Yes... There's nothing like the taste of the first snow...

The Wounds We Wear…

We all carry some sort of wound. Wounds shape us throughout our lives. Just look back into your life. I bet most people can remember more of the bad stuff rather than the good. I definitely recall more of the times growing up that my parents hurt me other than helped me. That could be something that’s particular to me, but it is part of my story. Not only do the wounds we receive growing up shape us they also can guide us. For a man, his worst fear is one of failure. I can see that so much in my life right now. I was hurt in this area before so I’m going to choose to stay clear of that in my life from now on. I’m not going to attempt to even budget, because I’ve failed in it before. Nope, not going to try this sport this season, because what if I’m not good enough? All those guys will hate me, because I dropped the ball. Won’t stick my neck out at work even though in private I know my idea is golden! Failure, more often than not, drives us. I’m noticing lately how much it drives me.

And, now, at this age, is where I need to turn the corner. Everything I’ve been learning, been reading, and thinking about is making me want to discover where my wound is and understand it more. An excerpt from John Eldredge’s book “Wild At Heart” Says this:

True strength does not come out of bravado. Until we are broken, our life will
be self-centered, self-reliant; our strength will be our own. So long as you
think you are really something in and of yourself, what will you need God for? I
don’t trust a man who hasn’t suffered; I don’t let a man get close to me who
hasn’t faced his wound. Think of the posers you know—are they the kind of man
you would call at 2:00 A.M., when life is collapsing around you? Not me. I don’t
want clichés; I want deep, soulful truth, and that only comes when a man has
walked the road I’ve been talking about. As Frederick Buechner says,

To do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do—to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its harshest and worst—is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still. The trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of
reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed
secures your life also against being opened up and transformed. (The Sacred
Journey)

Only when we enter our wound will we discover our true glory. As Robert Bly says, “Where a man’s wound is, that is where his genius will be.” There are two reasons for this. First, the wound was given in the place of your true
strength, as an effort to take you out. Until you go there you are still posing,
offering something more shallow and insubstantial. And therefore, second, it is
out of your brokenness that you discover what you have to offer the community.
The false self is never wholly false. Those gifts we’ve been using are often
quite true about us, but we’ve used them to hide behind. We thought that the
power of our life was in the golden bat, but the power is in us. When we begin
to offer not merely our gifts but our true selves, that is when we become
powerful. . (Wild at Heart , 137–38)

The more I look at my life though I see that it’s been more of a process. More of a desire to have somebody there showing me what I need to do. I know my wound stems from more of neglect than anything else. I had a father in the house, but he had his own issues that were never really dealt with – just ignored. That, in and of itself, made him a numb person. It had to. To ignore your innermost feelings over and over again you have to put to death something inside you. You need to silence that inner ache. With my father to even want to talk about the wound sends him into an uneasy and defensive place. Therefore, with my dad, who is still alive I’ve chosen to be silent about it. Oh, I’ll send the occasional email to him as a call to open up, but it goes without response. The thing is… the piton gets passed down. By that it leads me to think that my father is wounded in the same place I am. Eldredge goes on to write in “Wild At Heart”

As Bly says, “Not receiving any blessing from your father is an
injury… Not seeing your father when you are small, never being with him,
having a remote father, an absent father, a workaholic father, is an injury.” (Wild At Heart pg 71)

Some fathers give a wound merely by their silence; they are present, yet absent to their sons. The silence is deafening. I remember as a boy wanting my father to die, and feeling immense guilt for having such a desire. I understand now that I wanted someone to validate the wound. My father was gone, but because he was physically still around, he was not gone. So I lived with a wound no one could see or understand. In the case of silent, passive, or absent fathers, the question goes unanswered. “Do I have what it takes? Am I a man, Daddy?” Their silence is the answer: “I don’t know… I doubt it… you’ll have to find out for yourself…. Probably not.” (Wild At Heart pg 71)

And that’s what I’ve been doing for the past 30 years probably - trying to find out if I’m a man by myself. Part of me feels that to look too much into this I would thereby be playing the victim here, but this is not about that anymore. This is about taking an honest look at myself and my past hurts and choosing a better direction for my life. It is about finding out who I am now so that I can be better later. More excerpts from “Wild At Heart”

"Men are taught over and over when they are boys that wound that hurts is shameful,” notes Bly. (Wild At Heart pg 105)

But a wound that goes unacknowledged and unwept is a wound that cannot heal. A wound you’ve embraced is a wound that cannot heal. A wound you think you deserved is a wound that cannot heal. That is why Brennan Manning says, “The spiritual life begins with the acceptance of our wounded self.” Really? How can that be? The reason is simple: “Whatever is denied cannot be healed.” But that’s the problem,you see. Most men deny their wound – deny that it happened, deny that it hurt, certainly deny that it’s shaping the way they live today. (Wild At Heart pg 106)

So I need to go deeper. I have already acknowledged that I am wounded. I need to find out more about where and what it has led me to in this life. I need to open it up. As John Eldredge goes on to write:

We bury it deep and never take it out again. But take it out we must, or better enter into it. (Wild At Heart pg 126)

That is why we must grieve the wound. It was not your fault and it did matter. Oh what a milestone day that was for me when I simply allowed myself to say that the loss of my father mattered. The tears that flowed were the first I’d ever granted my wound, and they were deeply healing. All those years of sucking it up melted way in my grief. It is so important for us to grieve our wound; it is the only honest thing to do. For in grieving we admit the truth – that we were hurt by someone we loved, that we lost something very dear, and it hurt us very much. Tears are healing. They help to open and cleanse the wound. As Augustine wrote in his Confessions, “The tears… streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them it rested.” Grief is a form of validation, it says the wound mattered. (Wild At Heart pg 129 - 130)

So that is where I’m at. I know I have been wounded. I know that it mattered and I know that I can be healed by taking a closer look at it. Therein I will find my strength. To shed the false self and become more of whom I truly am. That is what I desire and that is journey I want to be on… that is the story I want my life to write.