qwik release

WRESTLE

2011-05-24T12:53:00.010-05:00

WRESTLE

My pseudo reality

Always leading me towards fatality

What is it that I've been missing

Which devil have I been kissing

An affair, that made me stare

Wound, bound then drowned

Focusing on my complaint

Living life in restraint

Casting atrocity on my curiosity

Chopping off any velocity

So debilitating, I'm hating

My self-taught rating

But, still, I wrestle

With the question - Am I special?

"WHO AM I" I scream in anger!!!

Shouting at myself, the stranger

Truth was twisted at a young age

Keeping me from the stage

Seeding doubt, un-won bout

Living impotent - not stout

But a flicker I seize

Woke up by a gentle breeze

I notice my soul yearning

My heart burning

Now, instead, yank the cable

Throw myself onto the table

Pull out the scalpel and make the incision

Into my heart, it's time to release the vision

But, hand trembles in fear

So many questions, how will I stear?

Not wanting to Know

Denying that I know

Pleading to forget

Remember Nothing!!!

Forget It All!!

You'll fall

you'll fall

you'll Fall...

Knowing that I have what it takes

But fearing the stakes

I get caught up in this demonic affair

Scared, I stall and stop any care

"Who Am I", are you so rare?

Not many live out their hearts dare

The voice lingers

Pointing its fingers

Who are you to push through?

Not many do.

Why are you so special?

You won't win this wrestle

My message you've come to love

Apathy, I gift to you from above

So lay down in its familiar bed, and feel free

Here, you don't have to be

You can let out all the steam

Towards the desire of any dream

It's too painful to try

You're not the right guy

Make comfort your queen

Let fear be your King!!!

Return to what you know

Don't open that door - don't go!

First get your questions answered

You have to know, You have to know!!

Without a guarantee

You won't be able to act and plan accordingly

If you get into the game

Others will see - they'll think you're lame!

So, wrap yourself with this blanket of denial

After-all, it is your style...

BENT

2010-01-28T16:55:00.003-06:00

Where to begin
It's no use, no win

My guts are here hanging out
And I can't put them back in now in this difficult bout

So I wander from here to there
And twist and burn with my pain

Wishing you were here to share
And my eyes tear up falling like rain

Time I guess it will take
But these feelings are just so hard to shake

I stay stuck in the yearning
And it's of myself I'm learning

That I'm scared too
But it just makes me want more of you

And I battle this anger
But understand the danger

So I bend my knees
To the only one who can please

And just tremble in His presence
Confessing my independence

At a loss
My life I would like to toss

But I know it was His son that was sent
So I stay..., Bent

Isaiah 58

2010-01-22T11:55:00.000-06:00

Isaiah 58
True and False Worship
1 Shout with the voice of a trumpet blast.
Shout aloud! Dont be timid.
Tell my people Israel[a] of their sins!
2 Yet they act so pious!
They come to the Temple every day
and seem delighted to learn all about me.
They act like a righteous nation
that would never abandon the laws of its God.
They ask me to take action on their behalf,
pretending they want to be near me.
3 We have fasted before you! they say.
Why arent you impressed?
We have been very hard on ourselves,
and you dont even notice it!
I will tell you why! I respond.
Its because you are fasting to please yourselves.
Even while you fast,
you keep oppressing your workers.
4 What good is fasting
when you keep on fighting and quarreling?
This kind of fasting
will never get you anywhere with me.
5 You humble yourselves
by going through the motions of penance,
bowing your heads
like reeds bending in the wind.
You dress in burlap
and cover yourselves with ashes.
Is this what you call fasting?
Do you really think this will please the Lord?

6 No, this is the kind of fasting I want:
Free those who are wrongly imprisoned;
lighten the burden of those who work for you.
Let the oppressed go free,
and remove the chains that bind people.
7 Share your food with the hungry,
and give shelter to the homeless.
Give clothes to those who need them,
and do not hide from relatives who need your help.

8 Then your salvation will come like the dawn,
and your wounds will quickly heal.
Your godliness will lead you forward,
and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind.
9 Then when you call, the Lord will answer.
Yes, I am here, he will quickly reply.

Remove the heavy yoke of oppression.
Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors!
10 Feed the hungry,
and help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
11 The Lord will guide you continually,
giving you water when you are dry
and restoring your strength.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like an ever-flowing spring.
12 Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities.
Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls
and a restorer of homes.

13 Keep the Sabbath day holy.
Dont pursue your own interests on that day,
but enjoy the Sabbath
and speak of it with delight as the Lords holy day.
Honor the Sabbath in everything you do on that day,
and dont follow your own desires or talk idly.
14 Then the Lord will be your delight.
I will give you great honor
and satisfy you with the inheritance I promised to your ancestor Jacob.
I, the Lord, have spoken!

Waiting...

2010-01-21T08:47:00.003-06:00

It very well could be the easiest and yet, hardest thing to do.

Love will always stay
Somewhere in your heart
And hope will never fade
Though at times it will be hard
But lift your head anyway
God's Son is returning
He's bringing brighter days

(chorus)
So wait for the sun to come out again
Storms always come but they blow away with the wind
So wait for the Son is coming again
Winds of trial blow hard
So we've got to hang on
Hang on to Him

Where's the joy you've known
It seems you can't remember
All the fire in your life
Has turned to cold december
But lift your head anyhow
He's won greater battles before
What makes you think He won't fight now?

(chorus 2x)

Let the sun shine
Let the sun shine in
The sun shine in (6x)

Missing...

2010-01-20T11:27:00.001-06:00

Watch on youtube

I spent my life
Learning to survive
Walked down these roads
Hoping each one might lead me home

I learned early on
That trust can come undone
And leave your heart
Guarding it's deepest part

But you got in through the marrow and bone
Shed some light where none had shone

I lost i found
I was missing love missing love
I fought to stand my ground
I was missing love oh missing love

Can you teach me
To live as one who's free
From fear and from shame
And the lie that i'll never change

Help me to see myself through a lovers eyes
No more mask no disguise

I lost i found
I was missing love missing love
I fought to stand my ground
I was missing love oh missing love

You found me and made me whole again
My Savior my Friend

I lost i found
I was missing love missing love
I fought to stand my ground
I was missing love oh missing love

A Good Song...

2010-01-20T10:27:00.005-06:00

Enjoy...

Watch on youtube

These tears

2010-01-08T09:00:00.003-06:00

These tears pool
and wait at the bottom of my eyes

Each blink releases another drop
Down my cheek it travels each carving out a new path.

I could say I don't want them, but with them you are near.
I could say they're not needed, but without them what would I truly be longing for?

These tears are glue
These tears they mend
These tears they get me past my fears

Who knows what it will be like in the end
But on memories of these tears I will depend.

Any Answer Given...

2009-08-20T14:05:00.005-05:00

A poem for the day
Hope I just don't push this out of the way

Green to brown, face to frown
Stuck in questions, not wanting suggestions

I seek to know
And yet, have a lack of desire to grow

Cars go by behind the drapes
Little lumps, these moving shapes

People racing to their next stop
Until that day where each of us will drop

In between, do they struggle with the same thing
And wrestle with their hearts ping

Here, in America, it's go go go
So busy, do we ever stop to seek and know

Stuck in the questions, only asking why
Some answers come, but yet, do we ever try

Afraid probably, what would truth in that answer mean
I like my life, I only want these answers to remove the strife

So, suppress I choose
Then, I don't have to lose

And any answer given where I must give in
Is one I can't stand

Because it's my life and I
want to play out this hand...

The Ghetto Shower Saga...

2008-11-11T15:03:00.009-06:00

For over a year I've been meaning to replace my bathtub faucet. The diverter valve was stuck in the "up" position which meant that the tub/shower was only being used as a shower.

Cam has been asking for baths lately and so last night I got the brilliant idea to swap out the faucet for a new one. I've had a new faucet on hand for the longest time, but just never made time to swap it out. For some reason, I now think I subconsciously knew what might happen.

To remove the old faucet I remembered those long passed down rules of life: lefty loosey | righty tighty. As I was rotating the faucet to the left it did rotate... but it quickly felt bad. My suspicions were correct when the faucet snapped off. Rats! Suck!

So, I had to cut out a hole into the surround which let me get back to the elbow. I went to my local Home Depot this morning after dropping Cam off at daycare. I bought the necessary components as far as I could tell.

I got home and was able to solder on the new copper elbow joint and faucet. I'm very thankful that I didn't burn my house down as I was soldering very close to a stud in the wall. Luckily, I had some old tin trays that I cut up and tacked to the stud to give it some protection.

And wallah... the new faucet.

So... here's a lesson for you. In retrospect, I think a shot of WD-40 or maybe even a vinegar bath could have been helpful before trying to take the old faucet off.

Now, to find a piece of plastic to cover the hole...

Clamour...

2008-07-10T23:09:00.002-05:00

Loneliness shades what I can see

I don't want to relinquish, I don't want to be.

Why can't life work like I want it to?

Battered and torn by a life lived upon my own strength

Jeez...

to give it all up... to surrender what I hold dear

That one main thing.. that thing I call fear

But I clamour for it.. I want it so much

To grasp and to hold what I think I want.

Yet I embolize and I chastatize others...

What a jerk...

Shut up... can't you see... you like all else...
So imperfectly be...

You need Him too although you think you don't.

Just shut up... just shut up.

Thinking too much of what others do...
It's time to focus on you...

Stinger, And

2008-07-10T06:56:00.002-05:00

Stinger stuck in the finger
Peering inside is a road not taken
How much more will it linger
And how much longer, your walls unshaken

With the need to atone
Feeding one for self protection
But in this life so alone
Leading you to constant re-direction

How I long for you to be free
Shot off into a glorious sunrise
Cast off anew on a shimmering sea
And to know the true prize

Oh how freeing is The Truth
How empty is our own meaning
He will give you reason to sink your tooth
And set your feet on solid ground, gleaming

Lemon Zest

2008-07-08T06:42:00.002-05:00

Lemon zest up in the chest
Where I can feel your breast

Behind it beating swift
Your heart still so adrift

Lost on the stormy sea
Captivated endlessly

Focus not one taken too long
Again it will soon be gone

Thinking new ones, thoughts are placed on the scenery
Contemplating the other sides greenery

Your grass, it seems, has turned brown
It takes two to water and keep the crown

Even He had to learn
to live obediently

What does that mean
in a world so strewn about autonomously?

So what does this entail
for you and me?

Love's driving us home
so patiently

Cold Cold Heart...

2008-07-07T07:16:00.006-05:00

Frustration and anger are her weapons
Threaded together with a tongue of lies.

Not accountable to anyone, not even herself

Destruction are her breadcrumbs, trailing
up to her shallow and empty life.

Fuel is her appetite for more, she can't
stop, needs to play the whore.

Her cold cold heart beats like fingers
wrapping on stone, she must keep going never to atone.

A remedy to this I do not know, no human
power can be in His stead

A miracle for today
would be this life set un-astray

Jesus, warm her heart, show us
your part.

For I know no other miracle you could do,
except to change this life so foreign to You.

Purpose Revealed...

2008-04-15T16:31:00.004-05:00

Recently, I kept having this memory pop up of my younger years. My family and I were still living in California at the time and I was young. In fact, I think I was about Cam’s age currently – 4.5 years old.

Anyway, it was a Saturday or something and my dad was the only parent home. He had put me down for a nap, but I really was not that tired and certainly did not want to take a nap. After laying in bed for what I thought was a good few minutes I had the bright idea to get up and walk out to where my dad was sitting watching TV or something and act like I had just gotten up.

The memory has been etched into my mind. As I turned the corner to enter the room my dad was in, utilizing my best acting skills, I gave a big yawn, like I had just gotten up. My dad, however, did not fall for it, he took one look at me and was enraged. In fact, I remember it being more like an instant reaction; He didn’t even seem to think about it. He shot out of his chair in a full on house sprint, chasing me down the hall. And when I was cornered, with no room left to run, he caught me and delivered a huge spanking right from his hand. No words. No sentences. No explanation. No direction. Just... pain.

Most of this memory is a blur. The main thing I remember is my father being so angry and me being so surprised at his action/re-action. I remember being scared. I remember being alone like something was not right, but not being able to do anything about it. I was completely powerless. I was left to answer my own question. Supposedly, a young, 4.5 year old little boy who somehow messed up and deserved to be spanked, but did not know why.

So, fast forward to now. This memory kept coming up and just wouldn’t leave me. I wondered why and I wondered how I was going to get through it. I mean, I say I’ve forgiven my dad for my father wound, but this… this felt different.

Recently, I think I may have been given a glimpse to an answer. A couple weeks ago it was Saturday and I was putting Cam down for a nap. Cam usually takes good naps, but sometimes gets up from them. On this day I think he had gotten up one once already. Then, it happened.

Almost exactly as I remember it for myself, Cam came out of his room. As he entered the room I was in, the telltale signs of faking sleepiness were on him. And then he said in his best after nap happy voice “Hi, daddy!”

And at that moment, fast like lightning but subtle and calming like a gentle breeze, it hit me. I remembered... I smiled...

I walked over and gently picked him up in my arms and held him tight. I whispered into his ear that I loved him, but that he needed to take a rest. I walked him back to his room and laid him into bed.

I made… what once was wrong... right.

He didn’t get up again. He went to sleep peacefully knowing that his dad loved him. He wasn’t scared or alone and our relationship was still strong after he woke up. He still had the happy “Hi daddy!” after he got up.

Thank you God for purpose behind pain. With the same set of circumstances, I could've acted like my dad did. I could’ve treated Cam like my father treated me.

So thank you God for chances to turn corners and set lives in new and crazy directions, for the power of a life raised without unnecessary fear, could lead to great things…

-J

Evolution: It All Aint What It Seems...

2007-11-21T00:59:00.000-06:00

Look through the eyes as opposed to with...

No Sex?

2007-09-26T23:15:00.000-05:00

This question has trailed my mind and spirit lately. It would seem an easy question to answer, speaking for myself, based on Christian values of which I subscribe to. However, the obvious fact that in America we are pounded by sex daily in the media makes this difficult even for the Christian to answer; Difficult for me to answer.

This is the one area where I see Christians calling other Christians who call for purity before marriage antiquated. Even if it is not stated verbally it is still professed through action and the idea that we are not accountable to others in this area of our lives.

Saturated and diluted... the more I think about it the more I think sex has become that. Saturation, it would seem, has the possibility to dilute. And in our sex saturated culture we seemed to have diluted something about it or twisted it into something else like a game of scoring… like an adventure to be had for a weekend, but not what it was meant to be.

The truth is… I’m sad tonight. My eyes well up and I cry, because of the disgusted way I’ve twisted this beautiful tool that God has given me and us. I’m sad; because I worry that I might not view sex and may not experience it how it was intended. I know God is a redeemer – he has redeemed me in so many ways within these last few months, but I also know that there are consequences and that my life can still be stained by sin even though I’ve been forgiven of it.

I think it is only within marriage that one can experience real sex. I think only when I am sure of the other person’s commitment and only when the other person is fully secure in my commitment towards her will we both be free enough to experience the full spectrum of sex by giving freely of ourselves to each other knowing that the other desires it and accepts it.

More so, I don’t think authentic sex can happen without two people who know without a doubt that they are for each other wrapped up in reverence to God, weaving their lives together, both humble and accountable to Him… and God may have known that a dynamic like that would not be found unless it was bound by a promise.

In a sense, the measure to which someone is humble towards God can show how committed they might be in a relationship, because humbleness will also bring with it conviction. Conviction then positions the man or woman against themselves faced with a decision. Do they change and humbly go God’s way even though they don’t understand it; Even though the pain to deny thyself is great? Will they try to rationalize what this may be so it’s OK, and just claim a lifetime supply of Grace and be done with it? Or will she/he leave the situation all together and slowly but surely separate from God… or form a twisted post-modern view of God that pictures Him wanting everything and anything that makes them happy – even on moral matters?

So, what is going on in our culture? What is going on within our churches? Why does this abstaining from sex only seem to last until after high school for those that grow up in a church? Do we see this as necessary or optional? Do we see any change God places on our hearts these days as necessary or optional? Will I be able to abstain and not have sex before marriage?

Amy Orr-Ewing has written a good article that I Christ-magically found tonight. If there is any reason to abstain from sex it is because of how wonderful it is.

Because of the beauty of sex; That is, because of the intimacy, tenderness, and openness of it, that is why it was designed by God only for a loving, committed marriage, a covenant, strong enough that only death can break. I like what Amy writes – “In this way, the question of how sex outside marriage could be wrong can be approached by looking at the beauty, intimacy and preciousness of sex (Orr-Ewing, 2006).“

And lately I find that by turning from looking at my dark towards gazing at God’s beauty it frees me from needing answers and provides me the patience I need for those answers to come in time. To posture my heart, mind, and soul into humble worship towards an ever loving and beautiful God and wrapping myself up in that mystery… there not knowing all the answers, I know this... I want to know Him more and more.

My prayer now is to be capable of discerning where I am not in alignment with Gods beauty, then humbly accept His truth and grieve the loss and pain that comes from denying myself... I think it is the flesh that dies and Christ to flourish through that starvation leaving more in me.

Reference
Orr-Ewing, A. (2006). "What's Wrong with Sex Before Marriage?". Retrieved September 26, 2007, from http://www.bethinking.org/resource.php?ID=281

Art "nailed" taken from - http://sex-magic.home.comcast.net/nail.htm

Mozy On Up!

2007-09-15T08:42:00.001-05:00

Hey All,

Just a quick note today to tell you about this great new free service that I registered for.

It's called Mozy. It's an online backup service that will auto-magically backup your important files to its servers. You can configure the files it backs up and schedule it to run only when you are not using your internet connection.

The free service gives you 2 gig's initially. They will give you another 1 gig per every 4 people that sign up & backup. I don't know about you, but even being a systems administrator I slack-off on system backups at times. Mozy makes it easy and great.

Click here to sign up and give me credit. If you would rather just go to the site mozy.com and sign up my referral code it is PK92WI.

If you are worried about security the service installation includes a 400 bit encryption thingy that is pretty good. Oh, it's good for Mac's & PC's.

Can you say... woot-woot.

Once you sign up you can put your own link on your blog and have your friends use it to earn more data space. 2 gigs is a good starting size that should be enough for all your critical documents.

Let's Mozy!

- Justin

When Temptation Comes

2007-09-04T09:50:00.000-05:00

When temptation comes, it seizes my mind and takes it on a walk down a street I said before I did not want to go.

With Temptation, hand in hand walking, I turn; looking back on Christ’s glow and the spiritual inner essence of his presence and beauty, the glow starts to fade... dimmer... yet dimmer still.

Then, my head comes back around; I realize that temptation has walked me up to its open and welcoming door.

Voices start moving through my head. First, the Spirit, a silent whisper, "You probably shouldn't be doing this, you can stop this you know. My beauty is better than this.” Then the Flesh, "There is no adrenaline rush, no excitement, no pleasure like this back there. This, right here right now, is what you really want to be doing. You never really understood the whole cake and eat it thing anyway. Why can't you have your cake and eat it too? After all, you have grace right? You can ask for forgiveness afterwards right? So then why not indulge and lean on that later?"

I know the Spirit is right; I have agreed with it in so many other forums before. However, now..., at this point, without praising voices warming over me I am tested. My choice is made by the silence I keep. I Yield to one by dismissing the other: The Spirit's whisper trails off into the back of my mind as I let the Flesh take over.

With one foot already in the air, my body moves through that threshold. Nevertheless, it is not a doorway that my whole self can walk through. No, I must bow. I bow so that I can fit through this door. Still, it is not an easy fit. Something in me is mangled while I contort myself; make myself smaller to crawl through this threshold.

The Spirit cannot fit through that door. The Spirit will not go with me. Moreover, I am left on the other side clinging to that which I thought would give me such pleasure, such joy. However, the pleasure is only sustained as long as the action is sustained and the mind captivated, and the pleasures on that side of temptations door cannot be sustained for very long. They are like cheap fast food and throw away lottery tickets. Gone... in a moment.

If I am lucky, I turn back, search for the doorway I entered through, and realize now how dark temptations room is. A warm bright light is on the other side. I start to crawl towards that light. I am met at the door by the one called the Accuser. The liar of all liars stands by waiting like a bouncer at a club. I can see his gaze as I start to approach. That stare in his eyes forces me to look away. "You don't think you're going through here do you? You have been through this door already before only to return. Why not just stay here? This is where you belong. Sure, pray for forgiveness but stay right here. Even so, you have prayed that prayer before - you know Christ has forgiven you already; do you really need to ask again? You ask so much why do you cheapen His grace? Maybe it is better for you not to ask and not to use His grace this time. Maybe it's good for you to just think on this for awhile and not make a decision now."

This placidness has rotten me to the bone. Tears pool at the bottom of my eyes. Truth shoots through me like a jolt and shocks me out of my slumber. Out of my mouth at the top of my lungs, I yell "Be Gone…, Away from me!" I cry out. "This isn't the way to live it is the way to die!" The accuser leaves for he cannot stand the truth that there is one better than he is. The doorway now unguarded, light shining as a warm blanket welcomes me as I crawl through it. On my knees already, I cry out to The One. "Save me Lord, save me from this wretched cursed flesh. Save me from this pattern of life to death to life to death keeping me immature in spirit."

I hear three words back at me:

Humility
Spirituality
Faithfulness

Originally heard by Ravi Zacharias, they are more pungent now. For it is by humility that I tell the flesh it does not have what I want. It is through the spirit I live so I do not gratify the desires of the flesh and it is by faithfulness that I believe, even through the pain of denying myself pleasure, Jesus is the only way to life.

Scratch That...

2007-06-25T10:06:00.000-05:00

So, I've decided that match.com is not right for me now.

What happened was really surprising to me actually. I got a wink from a legitimate person that seemed OK to go out with. However, internally, I freaked out. I couldn't imagine actually going on a date right now.

Part of me feels like "What's the point." and another part just feels like adding more stuff to my life right now just isn't the answer.

Recently, I started school up again and work is picking up to be busier and busier. I wish it was easier for me to do this, but I really think I should just focus on Cam, work, school, and keeping the house maintained right now. I definitely don't have the money for any type of date that involves spending more than $10. Therefore, I guess I don't have the time for women.

And that, for me, is a difficult thing to say... or live by rather. Yeah, my profile on match has been taken down, but that still leaves me open to the next vixen that crosses my path who I take an interest in. Look, new person, extra shiny. Guy juices want me to pay attention to the new shiny, but when I'm not thinking with guy juices my wish is to stay focused and not worry about that right now.

Hopefully I can come to some resolve on this some time or other.

Strike A....Match!

2007-06-12T22:38:00.000-05:00

Check It Out....

My Match.com Profile.

Let Me know what you think!!!

OVER...

2007-06-05T12:17:00.000-05:00

Finally. It's over with today. I'm officially divorced.

Wow, that took a long time.

What I Learned - Memorial Day Weekend 2007

2007-05-28T15:36:00.000-05:00

This weekend I found that in a kid, in my son, in that small period of time with him, that time of joy is worth all the pain this world has to offer.

So Here's to joy, here's to hope, and here's to... the elation that comes from things coming to a close. Here's to the beauty of real love and the value that comes from focusing on what matters most. But truly, here's to a great God!

It Through A Waterfall…

2007-05-19T09:08:00.000-05:00

I could take matters into my own hands. I could try to stave off the boredom through what I want to do. I could jerk off or I could drink, but that only will bring me loneliness and emptiness in the end. I could just be lazy and not do anything, but I feel like such a waste later and wish I had that time back. It is at times like these that I really can reflect and agree with the fact that Jesus is the only way out. That there are grabs in life that I can make to find my cure for whatever I’m feeling now, but those grabs don’t end up lasting long. They actually put me in a constant state of grabbing for the next desire or salve that it becomes a pattern.

Jesus, on the other hand, wants to give me these things that my heart truly needs. With these gifts come peace and affirmation that He loves me. They are lasting gifts that stay the test of time. I don’t think I’ve felt guilty for anything that God has ever given me. However, often times, with me, it’s hard to weed out what I have given myself and what God has truly given me.

I’m lead to ask the question – why is it that I don’t seek out God’s gifts more? Why do I take matters into my own hands and make grabs for what I think I need, but know won’t last? I think that with God it usually involves something counter-intuitive. Rather, it seems counter-intuitive at first. It’s like walking through a waterfall. It always employs a step of faith through something scary to return something good in the end. The gifts He wants to give us are on the other side of the waterfall. It’s realizing this and making the decision to walk through these waterfalls that we find peace. Crazy I know. Peace comes through courage and action.

But I have come to realize that all my grabs for peace, for the things that I think will bring me comfort come with an expiration date, and to give those up and accept God’s timeline is something like a waterfall to me. Will I go through? Will I find what’s on the other side? The thinking side of me agrees 100% with this, but the other side of me doesn’t want to. I don’t want to give up control for what I think will bring me comfort. And hey, IT DOES BRING ME COMFORT! And, like I said before, that comfort lasts only a short time. Then, I’m back in search for the next thing I think I need while all along missing what God is offering; avoiding the walk through the waterfall.

Today, I’ve decided to walk through something of a waterfall. I could sit here on my couch and watch the cars go by while drinking coffee, taking naps and watching some TV, but I’m going to work on the yard. I’m going to try and find that peace that God wants to give through a good days work. It’s a tough decision for me, because I usually talk myself out of doing things like this. I have this negative pattern in my head that keeps telling me that work, in the end, will add up to nothing. I think more and more that’s a lie, but it’s hard to get the lazy side of my brain to agree. Whilst my fortitude hangs in the balance I must end this post and get on to getting on.

Random Thoughts Typing...

2007-03-11T12:40:00.000-05:00

death dormant doer

away gone long

so may you see

intention not merely

about me

bigger something still

maybe can be true

when all is not lost

and everything hangs in the blaance

when we see the ultimate purpose

life giving breath

new joy special

amazement endowed new sense

becoming something for someone

something more can be

true happening to me?

what no go?

truly live it for you?

what about that other thing?

tired of being

just be

I Want it! I Need it!

2007-02-08T18:43:00.000-06:00

Today I had a thought. It was a quite simple thought, I realized, but oh how sometimes the simple things are what escapes me so much, but, yet, are so beneficial. Lately, I've been burdened with a lot of anxiety about a certain area of my life. It's been manageable at times and it's been pretty frustrating and draining as well.

What I realized though was that whenever I want something... whenever I may think I need something I get anxious when I don't see myself attaining this 'thing'. And now that I think about this more I wonder if this is what makes me rush into things too quick. I mean the more I work towards something, a personal goal or relationship I will be more invested and want it even more. Which means if I work so hard to attain this and invest myself so much into something I will be crushed if, in the end, I don't get it. Therefore, I may latch on too quickly. I also may give up too quickly on a personal goal. Yes, I may even procrastinate.

One thing that helps is learning to free myself from these things that I think I want. To do this I usually can't just say that it doesn't matter. I need to refocus on what does matter. Lately, I've been trying to refocus on God. I've been trying to understand that, as Larry Crabb has said in his book Inside Out, our critical needs are met through God.
However, I think there is also situations that I need to learn to be patient and not rush things and wait. A beautiful excerpt on waiting from "The Journey of Desire" By John Eldredge helps when it states:

To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment, the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest. St. John of the Cross lamented that “the desires weary and fatigue the soul; for they are like restless and discontented children, who are ever demanding this or that from their mother, and are never contented.” Detachment is coming to the place where those demanding children are at peace. As King David said, “I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me” (Ps. 131:2). Such a beautiful picture, a young one leaning against her mother’s breast. There is no fussing, no insistent tears.

She has learned to wait. The word detachment might evoke wrong impressions. It is not a cold and indifferent attitude; not at all. May writes, “An authentic spiritual understanding of detachment devalues neither desire nor the objects of desire.” Instead, it “aims at correcting one’s own anxious grasping in order to free oneself for committed relationship to God.”

As Thomas à Kempis declared, “Wait a little while, O my soul, wait for the divine promise, and thou shalt have abundance of all good things in heaven.” In this posture we discover that, indeed, we are expanded by longing. Something grows in us, a capacity if you will, for life and love and God. I think of Romans 8:24–25: “That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy” (The Message). There is actually a sweet pain in longing, if we will let it draw our hearts homeward.
(The Journey of Desire , 185–87)

And that's where I think I'm at now. The Next time I find myself rushing into things I will try to discern why I'm rushing and then slow down. Next time I'm anxious I will try and identify what want or supposed need is wrestling with my soul and refocus back to what matters. Then, my heart will find a nice pillow of peace to rest upon.

The Pain of Waffles...

2007-02-02T21:30:00.000-06:00

Today I noticed Cam's hands were getting seriously red and chaffed when I picked him up from school. After his bath tonight I wanted to lotion him down really good before he went to bed.

We had the most hilarious conversation. Read for yourself.

Me: "Look at your hands. That's some seriously dried skin. What does it look like to you?"

Cam: "Boo-Boo..."

Me: "Yeah, it does look like a boo-boo. Does it hurt?"

Cam: "Yeah"

Me: "What does it feel like?"
Cam: "Waffles."

Me: "Waffles?!?"
Cam: "Yeah..." [giggles]

Lotion to the Rescue:

Your Kiss Only Band-Aid's My Deeper Desire...

2007-01-12T01:56:00.001-06:00

Deeper. It's deeper. This desire. This desire of what I want in life. I want to swim in the stream. I want to be as one making life better for all that I encounter. I want to be a beacon of love amongst a world of self-centered chattering. I want to say 'Fuck You' to those that say things can't change... things won't change. But then I'm back on the gamut realizing that saying Fuck You to anybody doesn't really convey love and in that realizing that love means everything. Absorbing the punches. Which is the true strength of love. I wanted to write that I understood love, but I don't think I'll ever be able to understand it. Love seeks the better of the other. It does not compete. It fights, but it does not compete. Oh, how I want to fight. It fights for what's bigger than the self. It fights for what's true and it fights for what is best.

Simplicity with Honesty. Can I have that? What else? True life? It seems so distant now. I best should just crawl under the blanket of voices that meet me where I'm at. Ray LaMontagne... where you at? John Mayer... I''m there with you and my man... Dave.

"You will shelter me... my love. And I... I will shelter you..."

"Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like a one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees"

"But my faith has got me bound to your grey blue eyes "

Beauty... us guys cannot escape it. We are drawn to it. Captivated by it. It draws something out of us. It makes us want to be better. It makes us stumble and make a fool out of ourselves. The crown of creation is a woman. But will the crown quench my deeper desire...

Pounding Triangles Into Squares?

2007-01-09T09:18:00.000-06:00

Am I trying to create something? Manufacture it? Should I even foster the creation of a relationship? Should I push it along or should I just let something happen? What does letting something happen even look like really? Am I not supposed to take the bull by the horns and charge ahead rapidly?

I guess the main concern is that I would try to pound a triangle block into a hole fit for a square. Have I been doing that my whole life? Is that why certain relationships fail? Do we try to pound triangles into squares? Will there ever be a perfect fit or just the closest match?

Some advice that I was given recently and a critique on me has been that, in relationships, I just want to know if things will work so soon that I sometimes come across as too persistent to know the other person too quick. I guess that would be by asking too many questions too soon and just not letting things happen naturally. Maybe I do do that, but is it a bad thing? I mean why wouldn't somebody want to know as much as they could know to see if there's any reason to pursue anything more?

Relational bonding can happen even if there are not that many commonalities with the other person, and one of the main relational glues is time spent with one another. So, why invest that time... why do that if you can find out sooner rather than later if things are going to work out? The only reason why you wouldn't do that is because you can't. Even though you think you may know what you need to know, you have your bulleted list of qualities the other person should meet, there is still so much that you don't know that needs to come with time and time spent together... walking together, talking together, sharing casually, learning, discovering, caring, and eventually loving.

I think in our saturated material world we get confused on the most precious gifts that are unseen such as these things I just listed. Make no mistake they are gifts and mature gifts are bestowed upon one another when a certain level of trust has been established, and trust takes time. A willingness to trust too soon is unhealthy. Of course each person has a certain level of depth that he or she is comfortable with, but in giving yourself to the other person quickly you are stating that your own personal gifts are not that valuable. They must be earned by the other over time. Microwaved relationships can flare up and be the most exciting thing that has ever happened, but it also gets cool quickly and really doesn't taste as good as something cooked in the oven. The oven is always better than the microwave, but we may think we don't have the time for the long and slower process (I'm not even going to get into the GE 3 type of heat oven that can cook a turkey in 20 minutes... freaking G.E. - my analogy would've been flawless if it weren't for them).

Questions need to be answered through the hallways of life. How does the other person handle it when your sad? What unknown expectations are being placed on you? How do we treat each other in a fight? Is this person kind... no matter what? Do they bring you up or bring you down? Can you handle each other's faults? Is the man really a man or is he just an older boy?

Try as we might, that kind of knowledge will not come unless it is tested by the seas of life. Then you may know if you are trying to pound triangles into holes fit for squares.

2007-01-07T11:26:00.000-06:00

Check Out Some New Cam Pics!

Merry Belated Christmas from Cammy Claus!

Riding the Bus... Check out the sweet Band-aid!

My tower rocks your socks!

Check me out writing my name!

Hugs for all!

I love playing with all my friends...

Hey Partner... How bout you take a look at these...

2006-11-14T17:14:00.001-06:00

Yeah but, you should see the other guy...

Oh No, You caught me trying to take over the world...

Say... cheese!

Hangover's at 3? Dad, what did you put in my cup?!?

But I thought I got MY WAY all the time!

What do you think dad? Will this help with the chicks?

Ah Yes... There's nothing like the taste of the first snow...

The Wounds We Wear…

2006-11-04T11:53:00.000-06:00

We all carry some sort of wound. Wounds shape us throughout our lives. Just look back into your life. I bet most people can remember more of the bad stuff rather than the good. I definitely recall more of the times growing up that my parents hurt me other than helped me. That could be something that’s particular to me, but it is part of my story. Not only do the wounds we receive growing up shape us they also can guide us. For a man, his worst fear is one of failure. I can see that so much in my life right now. I was hurt in this area before so I’m going to choose to stay clear of that in my life from now on. I’m not going to attempt to even budget, because I’ve failed in it before. Nope, not going to try this sport this season, because what if I’m not good enough? All those guys will hate me, because I dropped the ball. Won’t stick my neck out at work even though in private I know my idea is golden! Failure, more often than not, drives us. I’m noticing lately how much it drives me.

And, now, at this age, is where I need to turn the corner. Everything I’ve been learning, been reading, and thinking about is making me want to discover where my wound is and understand it more. An excerpt from John Eldredge’s book “Wild At Heart” Says this:

True strength does not come out of bravado. Until we are broken, our life will
be self-centered, self-reliant; our strength will be our own. So long as you
think you are really something in and of yourself, what will you need God for? I
don’t trust a man who hasn’t suffered; I don’t let a man get close to me who
hasn’t faced his wound. Think of the posers you know—are they the kind of man
you would call at 2:00 A.M., when life is collapsing around you? Not me. I don’t
want clichés; I want deep, soulful truth, and that only comes when a man has
walked the road I’ve been talking about. As Frederick Buechner says,
To do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do—to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its harshest and worst—is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still. The trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of
reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed
secures your life also against being opened up and transformed. (The Sacred
Journey)

Only when we enter our wound will we discover our true glory. As Robert Bly says, “Where a man’s wound is, that is where his genius will be.” There are two reasons for this. First, the wound was given in the place of your true
strength, as an effort to take you out. Until you go there you are still posing,
offering something more shallow and insubstantial. And therefore, second, it is
out of your brokenness that you discover what you have to offer the community.
The false self is never wholly false. Those gifts we’ve been using are often
quite true about us, but we’ve used them to hide behind. We thought that the
power of our life was in the golden bat, but the power is in us. When we begin
to offer not merely our gifts but our true selves, that is when we become
powerful. . (Wild at Heart , 137–38)

The more I look at my life though I see that it’s been more of a process. More of a desire to have somebody there showing me what I need to do. I know my wound stems from more of neglect than anything else. I had a father in the house, but he had his own issues that were never really dealt with – just ignored. That, in and of itself, made him a numb person. It had to. To ignore your innermost feelings over and over again you have to put to death something inside you. You need to silence that inner ache. With my father to even want to talk about the wound sends him into an uneasy and defensive place. Therefore, with my dad, who is still alive I’ve chosen to be silent about it. Oh, I’ll send the occasional email to him as a call to open up, but it goes without response. The thing is… the piton gets passed down. By that it leads me to think that my father is wounded in the same place I am. Eldredge goes on to write in “Wild At Heart”

As Bly says, “Not receiving any blessing from your father is an
injury… Not seeing your father when you are small, never being with him,
having a remote father, an absent father, a workaholic father, is an injury.” (Wild At Heart pg 71)

Some fathers give a wound merely by their silence; they are present, yet absent to their sons. The silence is deafening. I remember as a boy wanting my father to die, and feeling immense guilt for having such a desire. I understand now that I wanted someone to validate the wound. My father was gone, but because he was physically still around, he was not gone. So I lived with a wound no one could see or understand. In the case of silent, passive, or absent fathers, the question goes unanswered. “Do I have what it takes? Am I a man, Daddy?” Their silence is the answer: “I don’t know… I doubt it… you’ll have to find out for yourself…. Probably not.” (Wild At Heart pg 71)

And that’s what I’ve been doing for the past 30 years probably - trying to find out if I’m a man by myself. Part of me feels that to look too much into this I would thereby be playing the victim here, but this is not about that anymore. This is about taking an honest look at myself and my past hurts and choosing a better direction for my life. It is about finding out who I am now so that I can be better later. More excerpts from “Wild At Heart”

"Men are taught over and over when they are boys that wound that hurts is shameful,” notes Bly. (Wild At Heart pg 105)

But a wound that goes unacknowledged and unwept is a wound that cannot heal. A wound you’ve embraced is a wound that cannot heal. A wound you think you deserved is a wound that cannot heal. That is why Brennan Manning says, “The spiritual life begins with the acceptance of our wounded self.” Really? How can that be? The reason is simple: “Whatever is denied cannot be healed.” But that’s the problem,you see. Most men deny their wound – deny that it happened, deny that it hurt, certainly deny that it’s shaping the way they live today. (Wild At Heart pg 106)

So I need to go deeper. I have already acknowledged that I am wounded. I need to find out more about where and what it has led me to in this life. I need to open it up. As John Eldredge goes on to write:

We bury it deep and never take it out again. But take it out we must, or better enter into it. (Wild At Heart pg 126)

That is why we must grieve the wound. It was not your fault and it did matter. Oh what a milestone day that was for me when I simply allowed myself to say that the loss of my father mattered. The tears that flowed were the first I’d ever granted my wound, and they were deeply healing. All those years of sucking it up melted way in my grief. It is so important for us to grieve our wound; it is the only honest thing to do. For in grieving we admit the truth – that we were hurt by someone we loved, that we lost something very dear, and it hurt us very much. Tears are healing. They help to open and cleanse the wound. As Augustine wrote in his Confessions, “The tears… streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them it rested.” Grief is a form of validation, it says the wound mattered. (Wild At Heart pg 129 - 130)

So that is where I’m at. I know I have been wounded. I know that it mattered and I know that I can be healed by taking a closer look at it. Therein I will find my strength. To shed the false self and become more of whom I truly am. That is what I desire and that is journey I want to be on… that is the story I want my life to write.

Irresistable...

2006-07-26T07:20:00.000-05:00

Hello All who may happen to stop by. I know I haven't updated this thing in a long time and I'm not going to do that now. I have some thoughts I'm toying around with and will update at some point later, but it seems that a lot of people have gone on a hiatus for the summer. I'll include myself in that group.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that I just finished Shane Claiborne's new book "The Irresistable Revolution" and it was awesome. I highly recommend everybody read it.

Seriously, this book put in words what I think I felt when I was younger. This book gave me a picture for what I possibly should've been focusing on in life instead of where I've gone. This book, could change the world.

Don Miller's Take On George W. Bush

2006-05-10T14:23:00.000-05:00

Donald Miller recently updated his website. He has a long dissertation on president bush. I'm pasting the article in here for your reading pleasure. There are definite things that I wish were done differently by the President. I've heard of other things he has done for the prison ministry which have been great so I just don't really know.

These days I'm on the side of wishing we did not go to war with Iraq since it seems never ending. Now, though, if we don't "win" in Iraq it's totally going to be a terrorist breeding ground and the war will actually have caused more casualties than prevented. That's a scary thought.

May 8th.
USA Today released a new poll today marking President Bush’ approval rating at 31%. If you are wondering, that’s pretty low. This means the only two communities in America that still support the President are the wealthy, and conservative evangelical Christians, two groups who are, quite nearly, binary opposites.

His falling approval ratings have caused me to question, once again, why it is the evangelical community admires this President. I’ve been wondering what the real reasons are, not the ones so commonly given, about him being a defender of freedom and all of this.

Here are a few suggested reasons, judge them for yourselves:

1. He is like them: President Bush is positioned as somebody who is "like" the modern evangelical. Bush speaks candidly and openly about a conversion experience and a personal relationship with Jesus. He’s a Methodist in practice and it is widely known he holds Bible studies and prayer meetings in the White House. These actions are considered discipleship initiatives by evangelicals in America. That said:
2. He is like them: The particular version of Christianity Bush subscribes to is heavily influenced by Americana, that is his spirituality is self-help, his social justice methodology is free-market (that is not entirely a criticism, by the way) and his theology is simple (good guys/bad guys, us vs. them, Jesus wears a cowboy had and fought at the Alamo, all captured in Mel Gibson’s movie about the life of Jesus entitled Bravehart)
3. He is like them: Bush takes stands; he thinks in black and white, he is not a flip flopper. He sees something wrong, and he does not seek to understand, he attacks. He has clearly defined enemies, both personally and patriotically. This gives the modern evangelical a clear association with someone good fighting someone bad, and so hijacks the "fans" ego through emotional gratification rather than reason. This personality trait of Bush’ is seen by many Christians as a virtue.
4. He is like them: Bush is not intimidating, either in stature, character or intellect. This trait makes people comfortable.5. He is like them: Bush stands against Gay Marriage and for unborn children. These two issues define Christian concern for legislative dealings. Bush is a champion of these issues, and wins the hearts of evangelicals in his stance.
And of course there are more, but this should get the discussion started. And while Bush is all these things, and they are mixed in my opinion in terms of being both good and bad (each idea is certainly debatable), he is also so much more, and the "more" is the part hidden from the evangelical populous who so blindly support him.

Here are some examples of how Bush is unlike the average evangelical.

1. He is not like them: He is dishonest: While Clinton is often seen as a liar by the evangelical community, at least he had the integrity to say "sexual relations" as opposed to "sex." What he said regarding Monica Lewinsky, then, was technically true (though no less misleading and dishonest and furthermore dishonorable.) It is President Bush who has no such conscious. I can only think he considers his lies justified by his American/Christian agenda. That is, he believes it is okay to use Satan’s tactics to build God’s kingdom. The specific lies are too numerous to mention, but see this short list: http://www.bushwatch.com/bushlies.htm
2. He is not like them: He is the product and defender of wealth. Unless you are a millionaire and have close ties to Saudi Arabia, you are not like George W. Bush. His agenda is a pro-oil, pro corporate agenda. Is this good for Christians? Not necessarily. Corporations have killed the American family, polluted the environment, enslaved children of second and third world countries, along with their parents, been discontent with their own boundaries in alignments with dictatorships and evil regimes, and distorted the American thought process into believing quick fix, unbiblical (read: unrealistic) solutions to problems (a bombardment of commercials has trained our minds to believe a small investment in a given product will solve a problem related to the product, even if the product is a piece of crap). So close are the ties between Bush and oil, the counsel for the defendants in the Enron trial of Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay favored jurors based upon, among other criteria, their pro Bush sentiments.
3. He is not like them: While evangelicals follow the Prince of Peace, Bush has shown little interest in peace. In a way, however, because there is only one peace studies program at any Christian University or college in all America (Anderson University, Messiah College also has a minor) Bush really is like the modern evangelical, but he is not like Jesus in this way. Bush’ idea of peace comes through policing and intimidating the world.
4. He is not like them: Bush’ black-and-white, simplified version of reality is hardly Biblical. The God of scripture describes a complex reality in which steadfast determination is not considered virtuous in a social climate always in flux. That is, the truth doesn’t change, but people are not perfect in their understanding of truth. Paul presents a message of Christâ€™s soon return, then later urges patience, saying God is not slow within His own experience of time. Peter, upon Paulâ€™s argument about Gentiles, changes his mind to entertain a table with them. A Christian virtue seems to involve an understanding one will make mistakes, and a humility to change, adapt, learn and lead. Bush (along with nearly every other American president since the invention of radio) does not admit mistakes.

In the end, we have a President who represents and was produced by a corporate greed that barters for oil on foreign soil, defends trade relations with military action, retaliates against the reaction to that infringement with more military action (spinning the reality into simplified Hollywood plot-scenarios) and has robbed the church of it’s identity as the Kingdom of God.

But he does hold a Bible study in the White House. And he prays. Perhaps he should pray for his friends who are standing trial for pump-and-dump frauds that stole millions from their employees, and for his own Vice President who cusses like a sailor, gives his own former corporation multi-million dollar contracts without entertaining other bidders, and mistakes hunting buddies for small birds.

Now here is the point: Bush is not a bad man misleading and manipulating the church in America for a vote. He is actually, in part, a product of the church. Bush, as afore suggested, nurses upon two teats: corporate America, and Christian America. Ultimately, then, I’ve not given the true reason evangelicals favor Bush. The truth is evangelicals do not support Bush because he is like them; they support him because they created him.

As for Republican presidents, I miss Ronald Reagan. I don’t miss Reagan because he was perfect, he did lie about Iran Contra and played his part in creating the mess we are currently in, but I do miss him because he was nobody’s pawn. He negotiated the end of the cold war without picking up a gun, he believed in trickle-down economics but understood corporate greed, he had deep-seated beliefs about Democracy, about the beauty (not the perfection) of America, he did not enable members of his own administration, and had the guts to fire failures, he did not see Israel as a good-luck charm of which America could stroke for favor from God, and he liked the idea of God as a benevolent Father who provided for, disciplined and rebuked. He believed America was the shining city and chose for this country to act as a role model for the world. He was not an arrogant man. He was not a weak man. He was not a simple man. He was not a foolish man.

Before running for governor of Texas, bush lobbied Major League Baseball to become Commissioner of that association. He would have done a great job and been a role model to many in that position. But real life is not a game, and dead people are not points. And nobody, right now, is winning anything.
Things I did not say:
1. Republicans are bad
2. Bush is completely bad.
3. There is no benefit to individuals or the world from corporations.
4. Ronald Reagan was perfect.
5. Trickle-down economics is perfect.

Further reading? Consider "American Theocracy" by Republican strategist Kevin Phillips.

Things I believe Bush is doing right:

1. He is openly and boldly taking questions from the American people.
2. He is publicly asking America to invest intellectually and financially in alternative sources of energy.
3. He is praying.

Interesting Story...

2006-04-20T08:31:00.000-05:00

Big Words Make You Look Dumb?
from the Consequences-of-Erudite-Vernacular-Utilized-Irrespective-of-Necessity dept
When I was in junior high school, I had a teacher who tried to encourage students to expand their vocabulary. What she did was encourage students to try out "new words" in any papers they wrote for the class. However, because students aren't always comfortable with those words, we were told to write (new word) after the new word -- parenthetically pointing out that we knew that word might be awkward or flat out wrong. Ever since then, however, I tend to notice when writers use a "big" word where a small one would do and mentally add the (new word) marking to it. According to a new study, I may not be the only one. People notice when writers use large words where small ones will do -- and it doesn't make them think very highly of the writer. In fact, all those attempts to look smart tend to backfire and make people think you're even dumber. It's probably a case where the general awkwardness of the larger words make people feel that the writer is trying too hard. Of course, Clive Thompson (who we link to for this story) has another explanation. He feels that the test, which was done by simply swapping out actual simple words with thesaurus-picked complex ones, modified the original meaning just enough that it didn't feel right -- making people think the writer was less intelligent when, perhaps, a natural writer could use larger words effectively in writing the entire sentence. Perhaps it really depends on the context. In certain types of writing, short words just make more sense than others.

I can attest to this as well. There's a blog that I occasionally glance at and when I'm reading it I get a sense that he tried too hard. Anyway, I'm left in the dust not really understanding his point, because of the big words and funky sentence structure. That's not to say my comprehension level is low. I don't think it's too low. In fact, I once took a test and found that I should be able to comprehend anything. Maybe the test was wrong.

Treehouse living...

2006-04-17T21:17:00.000-05:00

Today a quick summary of what I've been reading and possibly even learning. I picked up the book "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge a few weeks ago. I've listened to it before on CD, but this time I thought I should read it.
I tell ya, I've picked up a lot more stuff just by reading it instead of listening to it. That's not to say that listening to a book is a bad thing. I think it's a great time saver and it almost could lead to a better comprehension of the book if something is listened to then read.

Anyway, one thought, out of the many the book has brought up, comes to mind tonight. A part of the book speaks to living the Christian life as if we were a branch and Jesus is the trunk. Basically, we are supposed to be as dependent on Jesus as a branch is to it's trunk. Meaning, we are supposed to be SUPER dependent on Jesus. Like a branch, most things get filtered up through the trunk and then to the branches. If I'm not living like a branch then I'm not living like a Christian. Oh, and the body of Christ is His church and that's where I get the treehouse idea from.

Anyway, it strikes me how much we may get caught up in our set ways of what we think a Christian should act like or living moral and claim that as living like a Christian, but really we're so not acting like a branch. We're living off our own desires and thoughts of what a Christian is.

So this begs the question. What does it look like to live like a branch? This goes into Don Miller's book "Searching For God Knows What" where he goes on to explain that having morals is a byproduct of our relationship with Jesus. Morals do not come first. It's our desire to live based upon our love for and relationship with God. A lot of people today have traded this away it seems for the old way, myself included. I want to be a branch... I think. This goes into the whole easier, but harder, burden is light, but bear your cross thing.

I'm not going to go into this a great deal tonight, but I wanted to paste this little blurb in here from donmillerfans.net. Don gives a glimpse of how he lives a life of Christian Spirituality:

?? discipline in Christian spirituality ??
Filed under: Don Answers your ???s — bryan @ 11:27 am
Hey Don,
A friend gave me a copy of your Blue Like Jazz last semester and I ended up reading it in a matter of hours. I enjoyed the book a lot because it provoked me to think freshly about my faith and because it gave me a reason to sit around drinking coffee when I should have been studying for my final exams. Afterwards I talked about the book on my blog a lot.

I’m curious what your take is on “discipline” in the Christian life. Jazz didn’t strike me as being against spiritual discipline (as in 1 Corinthians 9), but with the anti-“fundamentalist” chapter, the jazz motif (“never resolves”), the hippy perspective, and the good emphasis on authenticity, it seems like the book tends toward a more relaxed, off-the-cuff approach to knowing God.

My question is, what’s the place of discipline, i.e. strenuous obedience to God, in Christian spirituality?
Also, if you wouldn’t mind, would you elaborate on your NCAA hoops loyalties? That will help me decide how high you place on the scale of cool.

ariel,
i tend to avoid ritual because it tempts me to replace “action” with devotion. the two can go hand in hand, but they are more comfortable separated. while disciplines help us love God, they are also the ego’s favorite food. instead, i try to ask myself fairly often how i feel about God, and if the answer is a negative, i do some praying and soul searching. i’m no expert, i assure you, but thanks for trusting me with the question.
don
p.s. ncaa hoops: oregon, gonzaga, north carolina.

Baby Got Bible...

2006-04-11T09:33:00.000-05:00

Ok I saw this off of Grace's blog. I can't resist. This is the best thing I've seen in awhile. It is so freaking funny!

Check this out:
http://www.devilducky.com/media/25512/

There's a video with sound.

Beer Personality...

2006-04-04T20:17:00.000-05:00

You Are Heineken

You appreciate a good beer, but you're not a snob about it.
You like your beer mild and easy to drink, so you can concentrate on being drunk.
Overall, you're a friendly drunk who's likely to buy a whole round for your friends... many times.
Sometimes you can be a bit boring when you drink. You may be prone to go on about topics no one cares about.

What's Your Beer Personality?

Community...

2006-03-30T19:39:00.000-06:00

So today I'm just so frustrated with my church. It seems so fake to me. I feel like the church is more committed to fancy programs than living in community. I tried to get into a small group, but the only one that meets in my area gathers on Friday's at 6:30am. I could do that if I wasn't a single parent, but I am. Plus, when I go on the weekend services they are nice, but almost too nice. It seems like the church is so caught up in doing these programs right. Plus the leader of the satellite that I go to is so wordy. People that go there don't really seem like they really want community. People want to know their small group and that's it.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm playing the victim here. I guess I'm just so frustrated that it feels so hard to get connected.

I got a newsletter today from The Simple Way and in it Shane writes an article and mentions that the mega church is dying. When I read that tonight I seemed to agree with it. The people that are still found in a mega church are either still really connected or don't want to be known.

It's funny that in a mega church there are so many places to volunteer for the programs that are put on each week. I find that so hilarious! I mean we have all these people volunteering their time to put on a show when they could be out in the world being Jesus to somebody. They could be serving the poor somewhere or teaching their kids what it looks like to be Jesus, but they are putting in the extra long hours to put a nice show together. Just seems like such a waste of time to me. I guess the argument would be that people are putting together the nice show so that unchurched people will come to know Jesus during the weekend services. Lately, it just seems the services are for the Christians already there. I'm not sure another good program is going to do it. I like what Rob Bell had to say in his book Velvet Elvis. He mentions that his church is not into programs. I haven't been to a Mars Hill service, but I'd love to attend.

I just need some community...

Through Painted Deserts

2006-03-27T09:05:00.000-06:00

I recently finished reading Donald Miller's book "Through Painted Deserts" which shares the journey of him leaving Houton, TX and eventually arriving in Portland, OR where he decided to stay and live. The book was amazing! A few weeks ago when I started the book I wanted to share the author's note so I spent 45 minutes typing it up onto this blogger editor. Then one wrong move and I erased the whole thing. That was frustrating.
However, I went to Amazon today and found the author's note there! So I'm pasting it in here for you all to read. It is pretty good.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

IT IS FALL HERE NOW, MY FAVORITE OF THE FOUR seasons. We get all four here, and they come at us under the doors, in through the windows. One morning you wake and need blankets; you take the fan out of the window to see clouds that mist out by midmorning, only to reveal a naked blue coolness like God yawning.

September is perfect Oregon. The blocks line up like postcards and the rosebuds bloom into themselves like children at bedtime. And in Portland we are proud of our roses; year after year, we are proud of them. When they are done, we sit in the parks and read stories into the air, whispering the gardens to sleep.

I come here, to Palio Coffee, for the big windows. If I sit outside, the sun gets on my computer screen, so I come inside, to this same table, and sit alongside the giant panes of glass. And it is like a movie out there, like a big screen of green, and today there is a man in shepherd's clothes, a hippie, all dirty, with a downed bike in the circle lawn across the street. He is eating bread from the bakery and drinking from a metal camp cup. He is tapping the cup against his leg, sitting like a monk, all striped in fabric. I wonder if he is happy, his blanket strapped to the rack on his bike, his no home, his no job. I wonder if he has left it all because he hated it or because it hated him. It is true some do not do well with conventional life. They think outside things and can't make sense of following a line. They see no walls, only doors from open space to open space, and from open space, supposedly, to the mind of God, or at least this is what we hope for them, and what they hope for themselves.

I remember the sweet sensation of leaving, years ago, some ten now, leaving Texas for who knows where. I could not have known about this beautiful place, the Oregon I have come to love, this city of great people, this smell of coffee and these evergreens reaching up into a mist of sky, these sunsets spilling over the west hills to slide a red glow down the streets of my town.

And I could not have known then that if I had been born here, I would have left here, gone someplace south to deal with horses, to get on some open land where you can see tomorrow's storm brewing over a high desert. I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because it is God's way. All my life I have been changing. I changed from a baby to a child, from soft toys to play daggers. I changed into a teenager to drive a car, into a worker to spend some money. I will change into a husband to love a woman, into a father to love a child, change houses so we are near water, and again so we are near mountains, and again so we are near friends, keep changing with my wife, getting our love so it dies and gets born again and again, like a garden, fed by four seasons, a cycle of change. Everybody has to change, or they expire. Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.

I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently.

Only the good stories have the characters different at the end than they were at the beginning. And the closest thing I can liken life to is a book, the way it stretches out on paper, page after page, as if to trick the mind into thinking it isn't all happening at once.

Time has pressed you and me into a book, too, this tiny chapter we share together, this vapor of a scene, pulling our seconds into minutes and minutes into hours. Everything we were is no more, and what we will become, will become what was. This is from where story stems, the stuff of its construction lying at our feet like cut strips of philosophy. I sometimes look into the endless heavens, the cosmos of which we can't find the edge, and ask God what it means. Did You really do all of this to dazzle us? Do You really keep it shifting, rolling round the pinions to stave off boredom? God forbid Your glory would be our distraction. And God forbid we would ignore Your glory.

HERE IS SOMETHING I FOUND TO BE TRUE: YOU DON'T start processing death until you turn thirty. I live in visions, for instance, and they are cast out some fifty years, and just now, just last year I realized my visions were cast too far, they were out beyond my life span. It frightened me to think of it, that I passed up an early marriage or children to write these silly books, that I bought the lie that the academic life had to be separate from relational experience, as though God only wanted us to learn cognitive ideas, as if the heart of a man were only created to resonate with movies. No, life cannot be understood flat on a page. It has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath:

I'll tell you how the sun rose
A ribbon at a time...

It's a living book, this life; it folds out in a million settings, cast with a billion beautiful characters, and it is almost over for you. It doesn't matter how old you are; it is coming to a close quickly, and soon the credits will roll and all your friends will fold out of your funeral and drive back to their homes in cold and still and silence. And they will make a fire and pour some wine and think about how you once were . . . and feel a kind of sickness at the idea you never again will be.

So soon you will be in that part of the book where you are holding the bulk of the pages in your left hand, and only a thin wisp of the story in your right. You will know by the page count, not by the narrative, that the Author is wrapping things up. You begin to mourn its ending, and want to pace yourself slowly toward its closure, knowing the last lines will speak of something beautiful, of the end of something long and earned, and you hope the thing closes out like last breaths, like whispers about how much and who the characters have come to love, and how authentic the sentiments feel when they have earned a hundred pages of qualification.

And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?

It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.

I want to repeat one word for you:

Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.

Passing 30...

2006-03-23T13:30:00.000-06:00

Today is the day that I'm 30. In fact I've passed 30 this moring. I want to start sharing songs with y'all that kind of capture certain feelings. It won't always be right on the money, but it will just be a song that hits me that day. And with that here's a song titled "Two Coins" by Dispatch who was one of the best bands around before they broke up not too long ago. If they stayed together they would've grown to be as big as DMB I bet.

Click here to play the song

Last Day Before The Next Set...

2006-03-22T08:45:00.000-06:00

What's in the number nine? What does it mean and what does it stand for, besides it obviously reprsenting a number? Nine, it seems, is the digit to avoid. Ignore it and it might go away for nine is the last number before the next set. Everything goes up after nine. Price, age, weight – everything, increases as the nine’s pass.

Well today is the last day that I have before my next set. With that I don’t want to avoid it. I want to welcome it like I welcome a nice little round pastry friend that helps us all get through the nines; a friend that I call – Donut.

Walking Into This House...

2006-03-14T18:27:00.000-06:00

Walking into this house. Walking into this house my dreams of doing get dispersed into the stale air of an empty dwelling. No one to welcome me home. Nothing happening as nothing has happened all day here. Hello house, but it does not call out to me the same greeting. Loneliness is more what I'm sensing. Big dreams I had coming home. Things to improve the house and chores to get done, because that is what a mature person does. It all gets lost in the loneliness of this stale air.

The stuff that I felt so needed and so desired to get done are lost in this air. To be a doer instead of a dreamer is my greatest aspiration. I really want to be that person. Dreams are easy to come by. Doing the dreams is what I want to learn and what is not easy to come by for me. These feelings are a big cornucopia of depression, procrastination, laziness, loneliness and entertainmentalism (the state of being where entertainment goes at the top of any list of priorities). Where is the will to get this stuff done? Where is the desire? Why does the desire get extinguished when I walk through that door? What will it take to make desire stronger than this air? This stench of stale air.

Iraq Commentary

2006-03-14T15:23:00.000-06:00

Hey all. I read this commentary a couple weeks ago and was reminded of it today. I would recommend that everybody read it and pass it on to as many people as you can. The media in today's world seems out for making President Bush look like he failed in Iraq for some reason. I don't know why. Hey, I have my "issues" with the President myself, but in all humility I don't have the information he has and if I did I cannot ensure that I would make the best decisions. We live in a gray world you know? It's hard to please everybody and get it right all the time.
So, please read this commentary by Ken Joseph Jr. - Who Lost Iraq?

Divorce... and what comes after

2006-03-11T10:10:00.000-06:00

Hey all. I just saw a commentary by Lauren Winner on a new book titled Between Two Worlds by Elizabeth Marquardt which details the afteraffects of divorce on children. It seems like a good book and the article by Lauren isn't that bad. Take a read.

Y'all Got to Read this...

2006-03-09T22:21:00.000-06:00

I stumbled across this article the other day. It's a really good read on self-esteem and how focusing on it really doesn't matter and could, in fact, be damaging. So, I guess that was a waste of the last 30 years of pop psychology.

Forget about Self-Esteem By John Fischer

Goings On

2006-03-09T21:37:00.000-06:00

So, a couple nights ago I was giving Cam a bath and the water ran out. Yep, nothing was coming out of any faucet that I had in my house. I checked my water pressure tank and it was at zero. So at first I thought it was the pressure tank. The next day I dropped Cam off at daycare and went home to try and take a look at the problem. However, I have hardly a clue about well systems. Give me a computer and I can totally fix it right up, but when it comes to house repairs I feel totally stupid.
That's where professionals come in. I called A&C Snelten (used the phone book) and they got out to my house within a few hours. They checked some stuff and found that I had power going to my water pressure tank, but I did not have any power coming back in from the well. So, they went out to check the water pump. The guy told me that sometimes if the well goes on and off really quick it will eventually stop and need to be reset, and that's what he tried to do. After that didn't work he explained that it was my water well pump that went belly up. They spent the next hour replacing the pump. It turned out to be slightly above $1,400 to fix the whole thing. Yeah that sucked. The pump was $1,020 and the rest was labor + misc. materials.

So they got the water running again and I was back in business. I've never been so thankful to be able to flush a toilet or wash dishes. The money I had to spend sucked, but what was I going to do. The last pump I had was installed in 1987 so it lasted 19 years. That's a pretty good amount of time and if I ever move into another house that has a well I'll be sure to check when that pump was installed. Cory, who puts the C in A&C Snelten, told me that a pump should last anywhere between 15 and 20 years. Well, there I go...

Never arrived...

2006-02-27T18:45:00.000-06:00

Drinking, never drank
Eating, never eaten

Knowing, never knowing enough
Wanting, never wanting enough

Should, never do
Could, stayed

Drinking, never quenched
Eating, never full

Wasting, never storing
Throwing, never catching

Looking, but never looked enough
Longing, but never longed enough

Going, never been
Arriving, never arrived

Nothing like a clean kitchen...

2006-02-21T21:19:00.000-06:00

Here's Cam and me wishing you all a happy dinner tonight.

You know what I realized this morning. I realized that most of my house can be messy, but if I wake up and my kitchen is clean I feel really good. There's nothing like a clean kitchen with the counters wiped off and the dishes done. It's like I have this weird inner peace. Kitchen Peace.

So, here's to clean kitchen's!

It's Time...

2006-02-17T22:35:00.000-06:00

To get back to the blogging.

So blog world it's been awhile since my last post, a long while. Wow, I guess I just need to put this out here. I really felt energized and like I had something to say 40 minutes ago, but I just put some real thought into a comment I left on Kristen's blog and now am wiped out almost. I'm going to start blogging more though. I've taken a break, but now it's time to get into the swing of things again.
Some quick thoughts:
> I think I'm a Christian Fate-ist.
-- What's that you ask? Well, to put it simply - I'm kind of lazy. However, why am I lazy is the question I ask these days. Also, am I lazy or just thinking I'm lazy? I think I'm not as lazy as I used to be, but am still a little more on the lazy side than I want to be. Lately, though I think I realized that it's because I've been thinking for the longest time that whatever I would do, if I did something, didn't matter, because it's all in God's hands anyway and will turn out like He wants. I know it's true that it will turn out how God wants, but it's also true that if I don't do anything nothing will get done. I mean, I can't just not do anything. Well, I can do nothing, but then nothing is what will happen. It's just so new and weird discovering how much stuff I didn't think worth doing, because I don't think it will matter. It involves a lot of realms of stuff which leads to the next thought.
> I'm a apathy addict
-- Seriously, I am. What causes me to have so much apathy at times? I think it's two-fold. The first being sin and the second being a lack of faith... no, maybe those should be swapped. Anyway, I get in these modes where I don't think anything matters and nothing will change so I don't do anything. I don't do the dishes or the laundry until they've totally built up. This is also true in the summer when I don't mow the lawn for a month and it grows so long. Maybe the problem here is that when I work on something I want to see a big change and when the issue is too large and will take too much time then the half hour or two I can devote to it I lose sight of the goal. Why? ADD? Maybe, but probably not. It's faith. I need to have faith that what I'm doing, no matter how small, matters. Work is worship. I think there are so many realms of worship to God that I don't touch yet, because I've been led to think that worship is only singing. No, I think worship is giving to God that which is hard to do. It's opening your hands when yourself tells them to keep them closed. It's telling a friend you lied to them when you only want to save face. It's doing the job at work really well, because the work is being given to God. It's not gossiping about a really annoying co-worker and you have some really good stuff you could share. It's all that and many others.

So, what am I going to do about these two things? Apathy and Laziness? It's like they are related. Well, one thing that I have done is called off any serious relationships with females for at least a year. Initially, I thought two years, but I'll re-evaluate in January. This will free me up to not even go down those paths of curiosity if a new potential women comes around. That will help to develop a schedule. I don't remember where I saw it, but a free life, is one that is bound to certain habits or a schedule. Some of you may think that doesn't make sense, but when I read it it was right on point so that's good enough for me. But really, I need to be disciplined in my life. I've been thinking I need to write a life mission and vision statement. I've always taken a step back from those before, because I didn't think I could adhere to the plan. Ha! How backwards thinking is that! Anyway, it's time. I'm turning 30 this year. A little more than a month out and the Age-Odometer clicks over. 30. Time to get on getting on. I hope to have this mission and vision stuff developed by the end of the summer. I want to reflect on my journals and stuff within the last year to help write it. I want to journal about certain statements to put in there over and over to make sure that I'm getting it right. Maybe I should do a Justin Constitution and any amendments have to be approved by a 2/3 vote of my friends. OK, now on to getting more friends.

So those are my qwik thoughts for now. I will be sure to update this again soon.

Have Your Mountains Moved?

2005-11-16T22:46:00.000-06:00

So just a quick thought for today. I was listening to a CD today and one of the songs was totally into it. The person was singing her heart out that if she believed she could move mountains she could. She was so excited about it too. It was a total get your body moving praise song. But it dawned on me today. I hear all these songs about the mountains that are going to move, but I hardly ever hear any follow up songs saying that the mountains did move. I mean what the heck is going on here? We sing that these mountains are going to move and get ourselves worked up by the promises of Jesus and then we go out and try to move these mountains and what happens? Why justifies a mountain? Seriously, what are the mountains in your life that Jesus said he can move? Are His mountains your mountains? After the mountain is moved do we even think that they were mountains? Do we even think God even helped? I can see it being dangerous that we don't even give the credit to God, because after a mountain is "moved" we can totally play it back in our head that is was just circumstance and God didn't really play too much of a part it in it.

So going forward I've gotta try and identify my mountains. I don't have a wife any more so they couldn't be those mountains... shoot - gotta think harder. Ok so my mountains must be the things that I feel is impossible for me to change in myself these days. Simply, this just would be me. My mountain is myself. I need to be moved... closer to Jesus. Getting more granular though what do I need moved in me to make me more near Him? Is it my lack of discipline? Do I need 3 things to focus on? Does the 3 things even work? I wrote the other day that if I had less interruptions at work I could really get some work done. Then I went on to say that if life had less interruptions then I could really get life done. However, life may consist of a bunch of interruptions compiled together. So, maybe I need to have the things I focus on, but allow the interruptions that matter. More on this later. My mountain that needs to move is my inability to "stick" to something. I need to stick to God. I need to not allow any more interruptions come into my life. That's my mountain. Now. God. Will you move it?

Today Is The Day...

2005-11-14T18:59:00.000-06:00

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. - Niccolo Machiavelli

Hunger For More Than Food...

2005-11-08T21:36:00.000-06:00

Today I fasted for the most part. I was thinking that I would fast until Friday at lunch, but I couldn't make it past tonight. I don't know why. I think the hardest part is giving Cam dinner and then saying no to myself. The hunger pangs were great. I got the carrots out and the ranch dressing. I said to myself "Really, what is the reason you are fasting." and I answered myself "I don't know. Maybe to lose weight?" Then I gave in. So really, now that I'm full I can't say all of it was to lose weight. I think that's a given bonus, but today I need to feel closer to Jesus. I needed to be reminded of Him all day. Fasting does that. I haven't fasted longer than 48 hours in my life. I really wonder what a 40 day fast would be like. I know 40 days is what Jesus did and the same with Ezekiel right? Or was it Isaiah? Anyway, today I was able to think of Jesus and the reason as to why I'm going through these trials lately. I think I need to focus on Him and really get myself centered as He is the most important relationship that I have. Often times I don't treat God like that though. I treat him as a backburner type of guy and if it doesn't work out with this other shiny relationship I can go back to Him. It gets more dangerous as you get older, because relationships last longer typically. Maybe I'm lucky I'm getting a divorce and the wife wanted to leave, because maybe I wouldn't have gone back to God without her leaving and clawing into me a deep gash of emotional pain? In the end if we wouldn't have been able to share Jesus with each other we wouldn't have been the closest we could be. I truly want to be in a relationship with somebody where I can down around in the Spirit together and it just be right. But I think I need to find myself first. I need to know who I am and be able to be disciplined and stick to a plan. I need to walk rightly with God for an extended amount of time, in silence, and let me grow my dependence on Him. That one relationship where I can be co-dependent and it be OK I think. At least I think so. Oh, what do I know.

Learning The Words...

2005-11-08T09:13:00.000-06:00

Lately it's been pretty frustrating being a dad. Cameron is a little over two now (Bday 8.19.03), but doesn't talk that much. Divorce can affect kids linguistically and pottypistically - meaning that certain kids Cam's age that are potty trained lose it and regress to diapers. Cam never really said much before Sarah left. He did say momma a lot, but that was his only word. After Sarah moved out he stopped saying momma. It was a whole month before he said another word which was Dada. He now says dada and momma, but not in addressing either of us. It's basically a response to my request.
So, it's getting frustrating not being able to communicate with Cam. I so want to be able to talk to him and use words and explain our days to each other and get him to grasp the deep recesses of the trinity, but he just won't get there soon enough! I mean c'mon he should have his own Blog already right!?! How's he going to get ahead in this world. Anyway, I know that certain kids have their own timeline for speaking. It's just frustrating for both of us now. He really really wants something and doesn't know how to ask for it. Typically, he'll resort to using some sort of whining sound. I think I'm pretty good at picking up on what he wants so in the recent past I've just been getting the stuff that he wants when he uses his whine sound.
Sunday I turned the corner. I no longer want to just get it for him without him attempting to speak what he wants. I think more and more it's frustration that will teach Cam to speak. I need to bring him to those points where he's willing to push through being uncomfortable and being set in his ways of whine - Where he gets to the lowest point of drab and sees that if he would learn to speak, if he would learn to ask for something then he could have it.
Then I came to the point of wondering how God relates to us or should I say how we relate to God. He says that if we ask for things in His will we can have them. Why do we not have? Because we do not ask says the book of James. Therefore, I wonder if God waits to gives us the things we truly want, because he's being patient with us, wanting us to learn and teaching us how to ask. Teaching us the words to use to ask. Cam can come to me and whine and I will comfort him, but I won't give him what he wants until he tries to speak and use the words for what it is he wants. God, then, comforts us while we learn to speak. While our hearts our molded into His perfect will.

Your son is seed - where you going to plant him?

2005-10-24T23:20:00.000-05:00

So I had a thought today about the parable of the weeds. Then I asked myself what kind of soil am I in? Typically I see myself as the seed and that's all I see in the parable. The soil is secondary. I don't know why I've never thought of this before. Maybe I have, but now God is bringing it to my attention again. Anyway, this leads me to think of my life. Can I choose the type of soil I am in by the moral choices that I have. Is it by what I watch on television, the amount of stuff I let myself buy, and the music I listen to fertilizing my soil or totally messing up the PH spiritual balance in it.

So this leads me to think of Cam and within the context of the parable I see Cam as a seed and I see that I can decide where to plant him. Since I make all the choices for him, for the most part, currently, I can choose to plant him in the good soil or not. This definitely is a trickle down effect from my life so unless I'm in the good soil there is no way for Cam to be as well. At least, while I'm making the choices for him.

I'm reminded of Colossians right now. It's the part where we choose to dress in love, kindness, gentleness and self-discipline. We need to choose to put on Christ, it does not happen automatically. If we spend our days saying we are working on things in a counseling setting and expect to heal and get better that way it will be as Joe Stowell calls a "functional disconnect", because we may get there. We may get to that point of being healed and fixing this one area of our life, but it will be without Christ. Instead of using it as an opportunity for Christ to come in and fill it we will develop a stubborn will and learn to rely on ourselves in this area instead of Jesus. We need to come as infants to God.

Night Crawler Heart...

2005-10-16T21:39:00.000-05:00

So I was at work on Friday and felt like my heart was going to pump out of my body and do a jig on the table. I felt that way, Friday, since 7am. Around 11am I went down to the nurses station. Yes, at Motorola we have nurses on staff. Nice huh? Anyway, I had the nurse take a look at my heart and/or pulse. She wasn't able to get a good reading through my wrist so she took it with the stethoscope. It was at a whopping 136 bbm! Can you believe it people! Anyway, she felt it necessary to call the ambulance. So she called and a bunch of dudes showed up. They ran an I.V. line and gave me some medicine that starts with a 'C' to slow down my heart. They hooked this monitor up too and said I was in A. Fib. A fib? What the heck is that? Anyway, it sounded semi-serious so they got everything ready and I got on the stretcher. It was around lunchtime and the nurses station is right around the cafe so they wheeled me out and I had a bunch of people that had to stop and watch me get wheeled out. It was embarrassing. I saw some people that I knew. It was weird. I felt embarrassed, I think, because here I am a 29 year old guy having a heart issue.

Anyway, they took me to the hospital. I came out of A. Fib a couple hours after being there. Whew. A. Fib is an interesting thing to be in. A little scary and a little funny. Funny in the "could this lead to other serious types of things" sense. The hospitalaticians wanted to observe me overnight so I stayed.

So I had a heart specialist visit me to explain what was going on with me. He said that when you are in A. Fib the heart is not beating right. If you were to look at your valve it would look like a a night crawler wiggling around. Maybe my next tattoo should be a night crawler on my heart? Hmm... things to ponder.
Well I made it through the night. I had some ultra sound done on my heart and got to see my valves dance. They really do look like they are dancing. It's pretty cool and nervous to see, because it's something that you don't want to see stop. It seems fragile to me.
So I was released on Saturday. No drugs or anything to take. I just have to go back to my doc in a couple weeks to have him interpret the EKG results. We will see.

More to come. Signing off now. Oh, I was thinking I should have a part at my house and have a big fire in the backyard. I was thinking I could call it the "I'm not dead yet" or "It's still ticking" party?

We'll see.

In The Flow...

2005-09-28T13:54:00.000-05:00

So I got some advice to just write and flow and all that. I guess that's what I'll do since I don't have too much to say today. Or at least nothing with a direct point or meaning. I haven't kept up with this blog daily (as I said in my first post!), but maybe I will. I don't know though.
Issues affecting me lately:

1) The former wife:
How bout everybody vote. The former moved out of the house on 7/21/05. She didn't have to, but she did because she was uncomfortable. She now thinks that it's my fault for her not seeing our son. She's seen him about 3 times in the last couple of months. She says that it's my responsibility to bring our son to her apartment. I disagree with him going there because (a) I've never seen the place and it's a one bedroom apartment (she's not on the lease) and (b) I hear that it's bad for kids to see their parents with a significant other "too soon" after a divorce. One book I read said that whatever you do do it slowly and let the kids get acclimated slowly. So, my thinking is that I would like to prevent Cam from being over there, because the former is living with another male and I would like to err on the side of caution. Once he's scarred, if it happens, he's scarred and there's nothing either of us can do about it. Her reasoning is that she doesn't think it will happen. She won't admit there's a chance - at least it won't come out of her mouth. So, I try to get her over to the house to see Cam. Also, I've offered to make her dad's place as a meeting area. She says that I'm keeping him from her and not giving any options. What does everybody think? Am I doing the good thing or wrong thing?

2) The current job:
Ugh. I have manager trouble. This is the first time in a while where I've been micro-managed to the point of annoyance. I don't get it. Plus, my manager just doesn't get it. He doesn't have any good ideas on how to improve things and just likes to keep it status quo. I get annoyed with status quo, because things can always improve and we should always be evaluating ourselves and processes that we do for something better and more efficient.

3) The added stuff I have to do:
Lately I'm just frustrated with monotony. I know God finds joy in monotony and that's what I need to do, but lately I admit it's been difficult. I have dishes in the sink from Sunday still that I need to clean. I probably will tonight. I think I may be bummed, because after I put Cam to bed then work on chores the clock is already @ 9pm and I only have about an hour or so before I need to get to bed. I need to adopt a system. I will set a goal. Okay lets see it's 9/28/2005 and by 10/28/2005 I will have a system in place for my stuff. Notably I will:
1) Organize my pantry with the www.livingcookbook.com software (it's great)
2) Manage the chores to do with this chore software I've found (forgot the title, but if your interested I'll update this later with it)
3) Get the Bills in order using MS Money 2006

It will be nice when winter comes, because I won't have the stress of mowing the lawn... Not that it's been done in a few weeks. I just won't have the stress ;-)

Ok I think that's a good post for now. My thoughts and feelings are out... At least the ones I want to be out are out.

Cheating on God

2005-09-24T23:58:00.000-05:00

I was thinking tonight about relationships. I was thinking about my marriage or so called previous marriage. It's almost finalized...The divorce that is.

Anyway when two people are married it's considered a "big thing" to cheat on the other person. I would defined cheating by one person physically or emotionally bonding with another person so much so that the bond prevails over the marriage bond or creates a double-bond. And it got me thinking. While in my marriage I considered it not an alternative to cheat on my wife. It was ruled out. Tonight I asked myself if my wife had come to me and said "Hey, just so you know if you cheat on me physically with another woman I'll still be your wife. I'll still stay married to you, love you deeply, pursue you as my lover and give all of me to you. You will still have ownership of my body. When I think of you I will only have thoughts of love and deep passion running through me. You, no matter what, will always be the apple of my eye." So, for a moment I pondered this question. If my wife had said this to me would it have enabled me or made me think it easier to cheat on her? Would it have geared me take an opportunity if it arose? And the answer came like a lightning bolt - God No I said! If my wife had come to me and said this it would've made me not want to cheat on her even more! She would've drawn a picture of the grace she had for me even before I did anything wrong! It made me desire her more.
So then I thought, man, God says the same thing to us. He says that we will always be the apple of His eye no matter what other thing we cheat on Him with. And we do cheat. So how come I don't feel that same desire for God that I would for my wife? And I think it's because I don't this way enough. I don't think in this context. I should though. Each day I should hear Jesus saying "Justin, whatever you do for today do it for others. Go out and live free, and an example of your freedom will be your love. You won't be bound by the selfish desires that run rampant in this society, but if you do, if your selfish nature kicks up and you choose something else over me, come back. I will be waiting for you. My grace is sufficient for you.
And in this way of thinking. I never want to let Jesus down. Two natures warring together. Little by little we let one get bigger and the other smaller. Just like the cheat or affair is built up over time with innocent nuances so is the mending we are doing with God. Which one am I feeding; Which one are you feeding?

Curtains Pulled Back...

2005-09-20T21:48:00.000-05:00

OK um... yeah. This would be my first blog posting. Not sure why I'm doing this, but I guess my friend Kristen just got me hooked. I couldn't help reading other blogs today and found it interesting and the sites that I usually visit have been lacking lately. So I need some new sites and thought I'd contribute... if that's at all possible.

Anyway, I guess we'll just see where this goes. I've never been really good about updating something that much. I'm a single dad now which is new and recent and a divorced type of person which is new, unwanted and recent. In the end it's for the best right? Ha! We will see. Who knows what's best but God, in the end. There's a time to tear down and a time to build. It's funny that sometimes these times go hand in hand for different areas of our lives. Right now I'm tearing down my relationship with my former wife, Sarah, (she still is my wife, I would say till the courts finalize it), but trying to build a stable one up with Cameron, my son, and me. He is a great thing. His personality amazes me everyday. But so many parents get on this kid kick. Is wrong to not want to do that? Maybe I'll get him to start a blog as soon as he can type so that he can share his thoughts and feelings with the world as well. Somehow I feel, though, that he may just want to beat the keyboard.

Anyway, I'll finish this post now with nothing too amazing to share. I just gotta get it up there.